What We Can ALL Learn from Elmo....

I thank Elmo (Elmo Sesame Street) for my return to writing these posts/articles (after a necessary personal period of what I call “deep scuba mode”).

Elmo, a kind, open, friendly muppet from Sesame Street, tweeted on Monday a question on X. A question so simple on the surface. A question that sparked a veritable tidal wave of response. (As of this morning, if I’m interpreting it right, it’s close to 200 million views.)

So seemingly outsized was that response that The New York Times ran a follow-up article observing the phenomena, entitled: “Elmo Asked an Innocuous Question” with a subtitle of “Elmo was not expecting it to open a yawning chasm of despair” (https://www.nytimes.com/2024/01/30/style/elmo-x-question.html). This is what caught my eye, and I was intrigued.

The NYT article quotes Samantha Maltin, chief marketing and brand officer of Sesame Workshop in sharing her perspective of the phenomena: she “thinks the overwhelming engagement with Elmo’s post points to a dire need for free, easy-to-access mental health resources.”

I don’t disagree with that as a need.

Or that she points to the multitude of societal, economic, and geopolitical forces today as sources affecting the mental health – and inter-connected physical well-being – of many, if not all, of us to one degree or another.

Yes, and… I see something deeper at the root.

We are in what I hold as a “Disconnection Epidemic”.

Disconnected from each other – I’d argue in all aspects of life – and even more, disconnected from ourselves.

We have the illusion of connection with others that social media has been carefully cultivating for us for some time, through apps that track likes and followers and views. (Pick your app du jour.) The global pandemic accelerated and deepened this trend, with its required physical social distancing.

What happens in this illusion of connection?

When we really feel something, we get a sense that there is no one to turn to. No one to feel with. To be fully vulnerable to, in all the rawness and the messiness. To simply express things to out loud. To work through whatever we may be wrestling with.

When life inevitably gets hard, messy, painful, dark – we need that connection.

When life is joyful, and we want someone to celebrate with us -- we need that connection.

A connection with someone who shows up for us, and keeps showing up, because what I call their “come from place” is a deep care for us as a human – it’s not about them.

We are inherently – biochemically and psychologically - relational creatures. Neuroscience research has underscored this many times over. We seek others to feed a core need of what I see as witnessing – to be seen, to be heard, to be valued for being simply who you are and all you are, right now. These are the yearnings of the human heart – to be witnessed in this way by others.

Someone who posted a response to Elmo said it with such emotional poignancy, I immediately felt the pang deep within my own heart:

“Somehow this actually legit makes me feel better. Thank you Elmo, for caring.”

Witnessing is a powerful act of kindness, of caring, or love.

What happens when we feel unseen? Unheard? Unappreciated? Not witnessed for the truth and realness of who we fully are in a given moment?

The heart freezes, numbs. It can do so slowly, so we don’t even fully notice it happening. It is an ultimate protective move when parts of us feel or perceive the loss of access to caring connection, to love. We’re kidding ourselves by telling a very tall tale if we say this is not true.

And witnessing benefits the one who is witnessing as well – it is an act of giving, helping another person. Again, scientific research points to the “good feeling" chemicals such as endorphins (a sense of euphoria) and oxytocin (promotes tranquility and inner peace) that are released biochemically when we are involved in acts of giving to others. (As an aside, I don’t see witnessing as a passive role; it is an active one. And the act of witnessing gets diminished, I think, because witnessing is a state of being, not doing. And today’s society and cultures wire us to look for, prioritize, and value acts of doing over acts of being.)

The “Disconnection Epidemic” has even deeper roots. For not only are we increasingly disconnected from others, but we are also disconnected from ourselves: our bodies, our minds, our hearts, our spirits. Some might say they are connected by the self-care they take with their physical bodies – yoga, movement, diet, sleep, etc. That is all very important. But the connection to our minds, hearts, and spirits is equally so.

So, what does that look like? Well, how often do you pause, and in the inner quiet ask yourself the questions: What I am feeling in this moment? Can I simply be with that? What do I need? What are my heart’s core wishes, my spirit’s deepest desires, in this moment?

To what extent do we ask ourselves these questions and pause, holding space for the responses to come forward? If we deny our feelings, and our core wishes, we deny ourselves. For in naming our feelings and the thoughts that go with them, seeking to have our needs met - by ourselves first and foremost, and others as they can, and pursuing our core wishes are all acts of self-love. In ignoring, avoiding, dismissing, or resisting those, we create disconnection from our core essence as human beings. We become un-moored.  And in so doing, we prevent ourselves from being able to access the full range of inner resources and capacities that are within all of us as part of our birthright as humans.

Asking these questions is not a ‘one and done’. It is a continuous inquiry we need to ask ourselves – I’d advocate daily - for we are ever-changing and evolving, as the context around us ever changes and evolves.

So now what? What can you do in this Disconnection Epidemic?

Connect to yourself. In the morning, before you get out of bed. Or in the evening, after you’ve climbed back into bed. Or when you’ve got a few minutes of solitary time in your day, maybe on your commute. Or when you’re getting ready in the morning, and you look in the mirror. Pause. Ask yourself these questions with as much kindness as you would show to the person you love most in this world:

·       What am I feeling in this moment?

·       Can I take a few minutes to simply be with that feeling? To just experience it?

·       What do I need?

·       How can I give that to myself?

·       Is there a request I can make of someone else to help me with that need?

·       What does my heart desire in this moment? How can I give that to myself?

Connect – truly connect - to someone else. As Elmo did, a simple check in with an open-ended question that comes from a place of kindness, with a charge of curiosity (I genuinely want to know) and compassion (I see YOU, I hear YOU) can mean far more to that person than you will ever imagine. It’s most powerful if it’s voice to voice, or face to face.

A question I always start every client session with is: “How are you in this moment?”

I’m not interested in a generic “Good” or “Fine” or “Busy” which is often a default answer to what can feel like a superficial ‘how are you’ question, because a part or parts within us may challenge in our inner speak: Do you really care how I am? Do you really want to listen?

“In this moment” is a key phrase for me because it anchors a person in the now, in what is the present. The question always draws forward a range of different emotions and thoughts than many times my clients are surprised to hear themselves expressing out loud. At the close of a recent session with a client where he named and allowed himself to just experience and be with each of the emotions that were activated for him from a series of recent events, he said, “I feel 10 pounds lighter right now.”

Who is one person you can reach out to today and simply say: I’m thinking about you. How are you in this moment?

Imagine the possibility of what happens if every person who reads this asks this question of both themselves and one other human.

What opening is possible? What release is possible? What sense of kindness, care, and love is sparked in the atmosphere around each of us? Let’s experiment and find out…..

The theme of connection – to ourselves, to others (in all aspects of our lives) – is something that I have ever deepening passion around. It is a key to everything. If this resonates with you, or you have even a spark of curiosity, stay tuned. I’ll be writing about this more, and I have a podcast in the works for a launch soon.

Whoever arrives at these final words, know that I appreciate you for following the impulse to click and read.

8 Common Traps about Culture (and How to Avoid Them)

By Karin Stawarky

“Culture eats strategy for breakfast.” This familiar Peter Drucker quote has been heard on so many conference stages, in team meetings, and hallway huddles. Yet we still can’t seem to learn this lesson. I am fascinated by insights like these -- about organizations, about teams, about leadership – that we have ‘discovered’ over the decades yet fail to systemically respond to. We are surprised when we experience the repercussions of old ways of doing again and again.

In my career, I have worked with organizations across the spectrum – those with a handful of employees to those with thousands of employees distributed around the globe, from early stage companies to hundred+ year old entities. I witnessed the authenticity of attention and effort that is paid to culture – and the weight it is given by the executive leadership as a strategic lever – vary just as widely.

Beware of the Traps

There are some common traps about culture that I observed in organizations regardless of their size or maturity. Each trap is linked to quotes inspired by things heard in organizations:

•       Product is king: “We’ll figure out culture once we have a viable product.”; “Culture is the soft, fluffy stuff. Proving our product works is more important.”

•       Rose colored glasses: “We are all smart, nice people … I don’t see an issue in us figuring it out and getting along.”

•       Someone else’s job: “Our HR person will figure out the culture piece.”; “Culture is just something the HR team is responsible for.”

•       Checking the box: “We did an engagement survey – so our employees feel like they can influence the culture.”

•       Hopeful osmosis: “A lot of us are from Company X. We like that culture; I think it works for us.”

•       Values as the ‘end all be all’: “We’ve defined our values. Isn’t that sufficient?”

•       The perks mirage: “We have all the perks in the office for employees – free food, drinks, games, sleeping pods, cool music… what more do you need?” or “We have epic company events. That’s what defines our culture.”

And perhaps the most insidious one:

•       Incubating the bad seed: “Even though Person X is toxic to our culture, they are such a good [engineer, salesperson, analyst, etc.] we won’t address it or fire them – after all, it’s only one person.” or “Person Y is the best in their field but has a reputation of burning through teams… we need to hire Person Y because the Board believes they are necessary to raise the next round with investors.”

All of the traps are problematic.  While each is distinct, I argue that they all reflect flavors of the underlying assumption of “we’re different” and its twin: “it [everything bad that I’ve seen or heard happen elsewhere] won’t happen here”. But organizations are more alike than they are different. Organizations are human systems, just like families and communities (be they religious, academic, civic, social, etc.). From relationships and roles to rules and rewards, as humans we orient and act in patterned ways.

Mindset Mantras for Organizations that Thrive

What does it take to avoid getting caught in those traps? In part, holding following mindsets:

Culture is inseparable from results.

My mother often would tell me: “you get out what you put in.” Business outcomes are affected by the culture you perpetuate. How conducive is the culture to attracting and retaining the talent you need? Does the culture inspire people to give their full creativity and effort of their own volition, are they doing the minimum required, or even worse, are they operating from a basis of fear? The sustainability of performance is intrinsically linked to the health and vitality of organizational culture. 

How we describe our culture needs be meaningful and actionable.

Culture needs to be specific to the organization, sprouting from and aligned with the organization’s unique purpose and identity.  And words matter. Language must be clear and simple in describing the key cultural attributes; to be actionable, concrete supporting behaviors everyone can identify with need to be conveyed in order to create a practical daily compass.

We all own it.

We each contribute to the organizational culture of which we are a part; it is a collective consciousness that we adopt and adapt with --- or rebel against. Yes, the CEO and executive team have the greatest influence, but everyone’s fingerprints shape the culture.

We need to be in continuous integrity with what we say is important.

Unfortunately, the old adage of: Do as I say, not as I do is one that I have seen alive and well in organizations. Plaques of values hang in the meeting rooms, while decisions are made and actions persist that run completely contrary to them. This is true at all levels of the organization. From headquarters to the front line, there must be congruence between what we define as our compass, and our words, our actions, and our nonverbal behaviors.

Our work on culture is never “done”.

Among the many lessons I have learned ‘from the field’ – as an executive, a trusted advisor, and an executive coach are 10 universal truths I hold about culture. Two of these truths for me are: 

I think about culture like a garden, which needs to be continually tended and tilled. How do you approach the initial design so that it complements and respects the terrain, the climate, and your own needs and preferences? How do the parts help to nurture each other?

Then, as what you planted sprouts: What elements are thriving? What are not? What needs more of what kind of support or resources? What needs to be weeded out? How do you protect it from unwanted pests (or, destructive influences) and erosion?

Keeping the Beat

Strengthening and evolving culture needs to be intentionally woven into the rhythm of the company, just like regular business or operating plan cycles.  I think of this Culture Cultivation Rhythm™ has having the following “notes” or elements:

FRAME is where you draft the primary design principles for the culture you want to intentionally develop; this is typically done by the leadership team. You ENGAGE the organization in refining those and aligning to them. The leadership team will then TRANSLATE those principles into key systems, processes, practices, etc. – effectively creating the ‘wiring diagram’. The leadership team must collectively COMMIT to living those principles themselves and hold each other accountable to them. Employees throughout the organization INTEGRATE those principles and build our or refine the organizational elements identified in Translate. The leadership team and others MONITOR the principles in reality, engaging the organization in feedback mechanisms and dialogue. Based on these insights, a point of view is defined on how the principles or the systems need to ADAPT. That triggers a new flow through the cycle.

So, what three things can you start with as you head out into that garden?

·       Ensure the foundation is solid and shared. The core culture design principles (including what is important to you and how you show up to one another) are your foundation – the proverbial cornerstone on which a company is built and expanded upon. Don’t rely on your own opinion of how strong it is – engage different audiences to test people’s actual experience of it.

·       Define the Culture Cultivation Rhythm™ – and stick to it. The rhythm is as much about what happens and when is it is who is involved. In the early stages of a company (or a team), you may need to go through this cycle more often than you think.

·       Hold up a mirror to yourself – regularly. Everyone has an impact on a system. How are YOU living in integrity with the desired culture?

We seem surprised when the likes of a giant like Boeing and GE fall from grace. Any culture, if not regularly tended in a disciplined way, is susceptible to becoming overgrown and overrun with ‘invasive plants’, choking out the desired growth. We all need to be gardeners for the environment in which we all thrive.