Back in the Game

Get Going.

That is the inner impulse I’ve been feeling since this new calendar year began.  While traveling the final stretch through one of life’s dark valleys, I have felt a parallel sense of awakening in what I think about as my creative capacity. The sensation feels like a crackle, an igniting.

I noticed that as I began to express myself creatively through art, the flow of ideas intensified: books and articles to write, story lines for my upcoming podcast. I’d be in a conversation with a friend, see a billboard, be reading a biography, engaged in a client session, walking in the woods – and Zing! Another flash of illumination.

I decided to take a first pass at “scooping up” some of these idea fragments. Fragments are recorded in the margins of client notes, on post-its, in the notepad or voice memos on my phone, asterisks in my journal, in a digital photo of a prompt snapped quickly. I started gathering them on two pages in a sketchbook: one page of concepts for different kinds of books, one page of ideas for article-length pieces.

So. Much. To. Write.

I have no shortage of offerings for my fellow humans to read, listen to, and reflect upon. My overarching intention is that through them, one is able to find a nugget of illumination that deepens one’s own understanding and appreciation of self, and in so doing, relate to others and the world in ways that bring forward more fulfillment, more peace, more healing, more connection, more joy.

And yet, despite this motivation I feel powerfully and deeply within me, the cursor blinks at me from the blank page of a Word document. “Well? And?” it seems to say. The concepts wait, dormant, in the sketchbook.

Why?

Physics gave me a clue. In a nutshell, Newton’s First Law of Motion puts forward that a body at rest will remain at rest unless an outside force acts upon it. A body in motion -- at a consistent velocity -- will remain in motion (unless acted upon by an outside force).

Bottom line: it’s all about Getting Going.

Because once you get going, you typically stay going  -- towards the destination you focus on.

It is always possible that such an outside force materializes to jumpstart me -- in the form of an established publishing house asking me to submit a book proposal (that did honest-to-goodness happen, in 2019 .. Simon & Schuster!) or that a well-known magazine (that’s you: Fast Company, Forbes, MIT Sloan Management Review, etc.) asks me to write an article. But that could take some time. If I really want to get going to be of the greatest help I can be to others, I can’t wait. I need to be my own “outside force”.

What’s holding me back?

People who know me well tell me that I’m a force of nature, an effervescent catalyst, a determined, energizing person who takes initiative and drives something forward, one who “makes things happen”.  Being an “outside force” on myself is something that is in my very nature and has been since I was a child.

What’s different in this situation? Where did that part of me go?

I started to get curious about myself on the nature of inner resistance that appears to have taken over. Who or what am I resisting in relationship to bringing these ideas fully to life?

I realized that understanding the nature of the resistance comes through the stories that other parts of me are telling.

What are some of these stories I’m telling myself? The inner monologue says things like: It will be hard. It will take a lot of time. It needs to be comprehensive. It needs to fit this kind of mold, to look a certain way. You need to do more learning. You need to do more research. It needs to have an appendix! It needs to go through this kind of publisher or media source. Softer, quieter are comments like: The content will not be special or different enough. Everyone’s already said everything to be said or written on that topic. It won’t be good enough. Is anyone going to read it or listen to it?

As I reflected on these different story threads, I realized that there was one that “hit the jackpot” – one I felt a lot of inner energy around.

The bulk of my resistance to bringing these books and articles to life is not anchored around concerns about the end product of my effort and whether it will be read, accepted, well regarded – or what people would in turn think about me.  I am very clear that whoever is intended to benefit by reading or hearing my words will receive them. And that this is not about me. It’s about the messages.

The inner resistance centers around the story about the PROCESS getting there – what will be involved in having the book, the article, in hand. Specifically, that it will be hard, effortful, time-consuming, and so not fun. (Hello, family lineage. I saw in those words the implicit motto – life is hard, you have to work hard - I inherited, a belief passed on through generations of my family. It morphed over time to take on an implication that everything is hard.)

How do I defuse the blocking energy of that storyline within me?

I stepped back from that story and I thought about other “hard things” I’ve done in my life (there are many). I focused on one in particular, because it involved doing something that I don’t think my body physiology was particularly designed for: running a half marathon. While I played softball growing up from elementary school to college, I’m not built for speed. Let’s just say I was not at the front of the pack in any kind of sprint running drill.

I realized I was clear on the goal: it was not my speed in running a half marathon, it was about finishing one. I decided that completing a half marathon was something I wanted to do for myself – to prove I could do it, that I could legit call myself ‘a runner.’

What did I do? Well, what I DIDN’T do was wake up one morning and decide to run a half marathon that afternoon. I trained in a structured way with guidance from expert sources, one step, one mile at a time, from walk to jog to run. And through this consistent approach, I created momentum. I cultivated a tempo. A body in motion stays in motion. And I remember after my first 12-mile-long training run, I was bit stunned. I felt like I could have run longer – another mile or two. It was easier than I thought to build up to running that distance. I could do it! And I did it. (I still have the medal from that half marathon in my desk drawer.)

So yes, I need be my own ‘outside force’. I’ve done it before. I can do it again. Else, I will be forever at a standing start holding a sketchbook of partially developed writing concepts.

Remember, I told myself. I didn’t launch right into attempting a 13.1 mile run; I began with walk/jog intervals for 10 minutes. I didn’t get discouraged. I reframed the challenge in my mind. I told myself everything I did in training was running a half marathon. What if I did the same here? Instead of doing a stare-down with the blinking cursor for the first page of the first chapter of one of the books, what if I approached it like the half marathon? What if every word I wrote was part of writing and publishing the first book?

I looked those sketchbook pages and flipped them over. Just for the moment.

I wrote in block letters: GET GOING.

Then I asked myself this question:

“What is my FIRST next step?”

And so how did I respond to that question, you may ask.

You’re reading it now.

I am building momentum, one step – one post, one podcast episode at a time. The published articles will come. The books will come. Probably faster and easier than parts of me imagine. Stay tuned for those.

What’s on your own wish list for what you want to be true this year?

What’s your FIRST next step?

I’m Getting Going. Will you join me?

As inspiration, I offer these words from the eloquent former Poet Laureate for the state of Maine, Stuart Kestenbaum:

Benediction

Heaven knows

where you’ll go

once you

get started,

only that

the rain

will wake

your heart

and something

will sprout

within you, something

you can’t name and the earth

of your body

will welcome

it home.

What We Can ALL Learn from Elmo....

I thank Elmo (Elmo Sesame Street) for my return to writing these posts/articles (after a necessary personal period of what I call “deep scuba mode”).

Elmo, a kind, open, friendly muppet from Sesame Street, tweeted on Monday a question on X. A question so simple on the surface. A question that sparked a veritable tidal wave of response. (As of this morning, if I’m interpreting it right, it’s close to 200 million views.)

So seemingly outsized was that response that The New York Times ran a follow-up article observing the phenomena, entitled: “Elmo Asked an Innocuous Question” with a subtitle of “Elmo was not expecting it to open a yawning chasm of despair” (https://www.nytimes.com/2024/01/30/style/elmo-x-question.html). This is what caught my eye, and I was intrigued.

The NYT article quotes Samantha Maltin, chief marketing and brand officer of Sesame Workshop in sharing her perspective of the phenomena: she “thinks the overwhelming engagement with Elmo’s post points to a dire need for free, easy-to-access mental health resources.”

I don’t disagree with that as a need.

Or that she points to the multitude of societal, economic, and geopolitical forces today as sources affecting the mental health – and inter-connected physical well-being – of many, if not all, of us to one degree or another.

Yes, and… I see something deeper at the root.

We are in what I hold as a “Disconnection Epidemic”.

Disconnected from each other – I’d argue in all aspects of life – and even more, disconnected from ourselves.

We have the illusion of connection with others that social media has been carefully cultivating for us for some time, through apps that track likes and followers and views. (Pick your app du jour.) The global pandemic accelerated and deepened this trend, with its required physical social distancing.

What happens in this illusion of connection?

When we really feel something, we get a sense that there is no one to turn to. No one to feel with. To be fully vulnerable to, in all the rawness and the messiness. To simply express things to out loud. To work through whatever we may be wrestling with.

When life inevitably gets hard, messy, painful, dark – we need that connection.

When life is joyful, and we want someone to celebrate with us -- we need that connection.

A connection with someone who shows up for us, and keeps showing up, because what I call their “come from place” is a deep care for us as a human – it’s not about them.

We are inherently – biochemically and psychologically - relational creatures. Neuroscience research has underscored this many times over. We seek others to feed a core need of what I see as witnessing – to be seen, to be heard, to be valued for being simply who you are and all you are, right now. These are the yearnings of the human heart – to be witnessed in this way by others.

Someone who posted a response to Elmo said it with such emotional poignancy, I immediately felt the pang deep within my own heart:

“Somehow this actually legit makes me feel better. Thank you Elmo, for caring.”

Witnessing is a powerful act of kindness, of caring, or love.

What happens when we feel unseen? Unheard? Unappreciated? Not witnessed for the truth and realness of who we fully are in a given moment?

The heart freezes, numbs. It can do so slowly, so we don’t even fully notice it happening. It is an ultimate protective move when parts of us feel or perceive the loss of access to caring connection, to love. We’re kidding ourselves by telling a very tall tale if we say this is not true.

And witnessing benefits the one who is witnessing as well – it is an act of giving, helping another person. Again, scientific research points to the “good feeling" chemicals such as endorphins (a sense of euphoria) and oxytocin (promotes tranquility and inner peace) that are released biochemically when we are involved in acts of giving to others. (As an aside, I don’t see witnessing as a passive role; it is an active one. And the act of witnessing gets diminished, I think, because witnessing is a state of being, not doing. And today’s society and cultures wire us to look for, prioritize, and value acts of doing over acts of being.)

The “Disconnection Epidemic” has even deeper roots. For not only are we increasingly disconnected from others, but we are also disconnected from ourselves: our bodies, our minds, our hearts, our spirits. Some might say they are connected by the self-care they take with their physical bodies – yoga, movement, diet, sleep, etc. That is all very important. But the connection to our minds, hearts, and spirits is equally so.

So, what does that look like? Well, how often do you pause, and in the inner quiet ask yourself the questions: What I am feeling in this moment? Can I simply be with that? What do I need? What are my heart’s core wishes, my spirit’s deepest desires, in this moment?

To what extent do we ask ourselves these questions and pause, holding space for the responses to come forward? If we deny our feelings, and our core wishes, we deny ourselves. For in naming our feelings and the thoughts that go with them, seeking to have our needs met - by ourselves first and foremost, and others as they can, and pursuing our core wishes are all acts of self-love. In ignoring, avoiding, dismissing, or resisting those, we create disconnection from our core essence as human beings. We become un-moored.  And in so doing, we prevent ourselves from being able to access the full range of inner resources and capacities that are within all of us as part of our birthright as humans.

Asking these questions is not a ‘one and done’. It is a continuous inquiry we need to ask ourselves – I’d advocate daily - for we are ever-changing and evolving, as the context around us ever changes and evolves.

So now what? What can you do in this Disconnection Epidemic?

Connect to yourself. In the morning, before you get out of bed. Or in the evening, after you’ve climbed back into bed. Or when you’ve got a few minutes of solitary time in your day, maybe on your commute. Or when you’re getting ready in the morning, and you look in the mirror. Pause. Ask yourself these questions with as much kindness as you would show to the person you love most in this world:

·       What am I feeling in this moment?

·       Can I take a few minutes to simply be with that feeling? To just experience it?

·       What do I need?

·       How can I give that to myself?

·       Is there a request I can make of someone else to help me with that need?

·       What does my heart desire in this moment? How can I give that to myself?

Connect – truly connect - to someone else. As Elmo did, a simple check in with an open-ended question that comes from a place of kindness, with a charge of curiosity (I genuinely want to know) and compassion (I see YOU, I hear YOU) can mean far more to that person than you will ever imagine. It’s most powerful if it’s voice to voice, or face to face.

A question I always start every client session with is: “How are you in this moment?”

I’m not interested in a generic “Good” or “Fine” or “Busy” which is often a default answer to what can feel like a superficial ‘how are you’ question, because a part or parts within us may challenge in our inner speak: Do you really care how I am? Do you really want to listen?

“In this moment” is a key phrase for me because it anchors a person in the now, in what is the present. The question always draws forward a range of different emotions and thoughts than many times my clients are surprised to hear themselves expressing out loud. At the close of a recent session with a client where he named and allowed himself to just experience and be with each of the emotions that were activated for him from a series of recent events, he said, “I feel 10 pounds lighter right now.”

Who is one person you can reach out to today and simply say: I’m thinking about you. How are you in this moment?

Imagine the possibility of what happens if every person who reads this asks this question of both themselves and one other human.

What opening is possible? What release is possible? What sense of kindness, care, and love is sparked in the atmosphere around each of us? Let’s experiment and find out…..

The theme of connection – to ourselves, to others (in all aspects of our lives) – is something that I have ever deepening passion around. It is a key to everything. If this resonates with you, or you have even a spark of curiosity, stay tuned. I’ll be writing about this more, and I have a podcast in the works for a launch soon.

Whoever arrives at these final words, know that I appreciate you for following the impulse to click and read.