What We Can ALL Learn from Elmo....

I thank Elmo (Elmo Sesame Street) for my return to writing these posts/articles (after a necessary personal period of what I call “deep scuba mode”).

Elmo, a kind, open, friendly muppet from Sesame Street, tweeted on Monday a question on X. A question so simple on the surface. A question that sparked a veritable tidal wave of response. (As of this morning, if I’m interpreting it right, it’s close to 200 million views.)

So seemingly outsized was that response that The New York Times ran a follow-up article observing the phenomena, entitled: “Elmo Asked an Innocuous Question” with a subtitle of “Elmo was not expecting it to open a yawning chasm of despair” (https://www.nytimes.com/2024/01/30/style/elmo-x-question.html). This is what caught my eye, and I was intrigued.

The NYT article quotes Samantha Maltin, chief marketing and brand officer of Sesame Workshop in sharing her perspective of the phenomena: she “thinks the overwhelming engagement with Elmo’s post points to a dire need for free, easy-to-access mental health resources.”

I don’t disagree with that as a need.

Or that she points to the multitude of societal, economic, and geopolitical forces today as sources affecting the mental health – and inter-connected physical well-being – of many, if not all, of us to one degree or another.

Yes, and… I see something deeper at the root.

We are in what I hold as a “Disconnection Epidemic”.

Disconnected from each other – I’d argue in all aspects of life – and even more, disconnected from ourselves.

We have the illusion of connection with others that social media has been carefully cultivating for us for some time, through apps that track likes and followers and views. (Pick your app du jour.) The global pandemic accelerated and deepened this trend, with its required physical social distancing.

What happens in this illusion of connection?

When we really feel something, we get a sense that there is no one to turn to. No one to feel with. To be fully vulnerable to, in all the rawness and the messiness. To simply express things to out loud. To work through whatever we may be wrestling with.

When life inevitably gets hard, messy, painful, dark – we need that connection.

When life is joyful, and we want someone to celebrate with us -- we need that connection.

A connection with someone who shows up for us, and keeps showing up, because what I call their “come from place” is a deep care for us as a human – it’s not about them.

We are inherently – biochemically and psychologically - relational creatures. Neuroscience research has underscored this many times over. We seek others to feed a core need of what I see as witnessing – to be seen, to be heard, to be valued for being simply who you are and all you are, right now. These are the yearnings of the human heart – to be witnessed in this way by others.

Someone who posted a response to Elmo said it with such emotional poignancy, I immediately felt the pang deep within my own heart:

“Somehow this actually legit makes me feel better. Thank you Elmo, for caring.”

Witnessing is a powerful act of kindness, of caring, or love.

What happens when we feel unseen? Unheard? Unappreciated? Not witnessed for the truth and realness of who we fully are in a given moment?

The heart freezes, numbs. It can do so slowly, so we don’t even fully notice it happening. It is an ultimate protective move when parts of us feel or perceive the loss of access to caring connection, to love. We’re kidding ourselves by telling a very tall tale if we say this is not true.

And witnessing benefits the one who is witnessing as well – it is an act of giving, helping another person. Again, scientific research points to the “good feeling" chemicals such as endorphins (a sense of euphoria) and oxytocin (promotes tranquility and inner peace) that are released biochemically when we are involved in acts of giving to others. (As an aside, I don’t see witnessing as a passive role; it is an active one. And the act of witnessing gets diminished, I think, because witnessing is a state of being, not doing. And today’s society and cultures wire us to look for, prioritize, and value acts of doing over acts of being.)

The “Disconnection Epidemic” has even deeper roots. For not only are we increasingly disconnected from others, but we are also disconnected from ourselves: our bodies, our minds, our hearts, our spirits. Some might say they are connected by the self-care they take with their physical bodies – yoga, movement, diet, sleep, etc. That is all very important. But the connection to our minds, hearts, and spirits is equally so.

So, what does that look like? Well, how often do you pause, and in the inner quiet ask yourself the questions: What I am feeling in this moment? Can I simply be with that? What do I need? What are my heart’s core wishes, my spirit’s deepest desires, in this moment?

To what extent do we ask ourselves these questions and pause, holding space for the responses to come forward? If we deny our feelings, and our core wishes, we deny ourselves. For in naming our feelings and the thoughts that go with them, seeking to have our needs met - by ourselves first and foremost, and others as they can, and pursuing our core wishes are all acts of self-love. In ignoring, avoiding, dismissing, or resisting those, we create disconnection from our core essence as human beings. We become un-moored.  And in so doing, we prevent ourselves from being able to access the full range of inner resources and capacities that are within all of us as part of our birthright as humans.

Asking these questions is not a ‘one and done’. It is a continuous inquiry we need to ask ourselves – I’d advocate daily - for we are ever-changing and evolving, as the context around us ever changes and evolves.

So now what? What can you do in this Disconnection Epidemic?

Connect to yourself. In the morning, before you get out of bed. Or in the evening, after you’ve climbed back into bed. Or when you’ve got a few minutes of solitary time in your day, maybe on your commute. Or when you’re getting ready in the morning, and you look in the mirror. Pause. Ask yourself these questions with as much kindness as you would show to the person you love most in this world:

·       What am I feeling in this moment?

·       Can I take a few minutes to simply be with that feeling? To just experience it?

·       What do I need?

·       How can I give that to myself?

·       Is there a request I can make of someone else to help me with that need?

·       What does my heart desire in this moment? How can I give that to myself?

Connect – truly connect - to someone else. As Elmo did, a simple check in with an open-ended question that comes from a place of kindness, with a charge of curiosity (I genuinely want to know) and compassion (I see YOU, I hear YOU) can mean far more to that person than you will ever imagine. It’s most powerful if it’s voice to voice, or face to face.

A question I always start every client session with is: “How are you in this moment?”

I’m not interested in a generic “Good” or “Fine” or “Busy” which is often a default answer to what can feel like a superficial ‘how are you’ question, because a part or parts within us may challenge in our inner speak: Do you really care how I am? Do you really want to listen?

“In this moment” is a key phrase for me because it anchors a person in the now, in what is the present. The question always draws forward a range of different emotions and thoughts than many times my clients are surprised to hear themselves expressing out loud. At the close of a recent session with a client where he named and allowed himself to just experience and be with each of the emotions that were activated for him from a series of recent events, he said, “I feel 10 pounds lighter right now.”

Who is one person you can reach out to today and simply say: I’m thinking about you. How are you in this moment?

Imagine the possibility of what happens if every person who reads this asks this question of both themselves and one other human.

What opening is possible? What release is possible? What sense of kindness, care, and love is sparked in the atmosphere around each of us? Let’s experiment and find out…..

The theme of connection – to ourselves, to others (in all aspects of our lives) – is something that I have ever deepening passion around. It is a key to everything. If this resonates with you, or you have even a spark of curiosity, stay tuned. I’ll be writing about this more, and I have a podcast in the works for a launch soon.

Whoever arrives at these final words, know that I appreciate you for following the impulse to click and read.

The Doing Mask

By Karin Stawarky

In this unprecedented time of the pandemic over the past few months, much has shifted.

Our routines are interrupted.

We have been forced to step off of the treadmill that many of us have found ourselves on day after day, consciously or not, running and running and yet never arriving.

A number of us no longer drive to offices, to train stations, to airports, to schools… let alone do errands that fill weekends with one store after another, or shuttle from one activity to another for ourselves, family members, or friends.

This forced “pause” is a stark contrast to what many of us experience as normalcy. If you have found this shift jarring, or uncomfortable, you are not alone. If you are experiencing sensations of anxiety that you can’t quite put your finger on the why behind them, you are not alone.

Cognitively we know from research that pausing is a good thing. Reflecting — one form of pausing — is recognized as beneficial for individuals, teams, and organizations but infrequently gets translated into consistent practice. When reflection does happen, it seems to be with difficulty, effort, and resistance.

Many of my executive coaching clients find it hard to stop, to pause. We are constantly moving, constantly doing. This operating mode is reinforced within our families, our communities, our institutions (from schools to companies), and societies more broadly. This is particularly true as a cultural norm within the United States, where there are unwritten rules in our collective ethos around contemplation, rest, and work: just look at the difference in terms of the granted vacation time between companies in the US versus Europe as one manifestation.

Constant motion, or movement, is a mask. I call this the “Doing Mask”.

I have worn the Doing Mask. In fact, I’ve worn it for most of my life. A very dear friend of mine once remarked to me: “You know, you are one of the most productive people I know.” At the time, I took this as a compliment - indeed, a “badge of honor” – that I was continuously creating and producing. I was the one whom people turned to and relied upon to “get things done.” I proudly crossed item after item off of my daily to-do lists.

In recent years, as I have immersed myself in my own deep inner work bringing together a variety of disciplines and techniques, I became aware of the presence of the Doing Mask. The Doing Mask is a key tool for a part of me that I call the “Energizer Bunny”. Just like in the commercials, the Energizer Bunny was seemingly inexhaustible, never running out of battery, perkily keeping up a consistent drumbeat. Never resting, always moving. In fact, I even convinced myself – for years! – that I really only needed about 4-5 hours of sleep a night. After all, I could then accomplish that much more.

Why do I call it the Doing Mask? One purpose of a mask is to keep something hidden, be it an identity… or a truth. As I explored that part of myself, I discovered something – a different lens through which to view the Doing Mask. I realized that a driver for my constant doing, my endless to-do list, stemmed from a deep need to justify my worth to others. By producing, creating, doing, I was “productive” and being productive to me meant being of positive, accretive value – to my family, my team, my organization, my community, the world. It was a strategy that I learned very young and was implicitly, sub-consciously reinforced by the systems of which I am a part: family, schools, companies I worked for, the community and country I grew up in. Deep down, I believed it granted me respect, standing, and credibility.

Has the Doing Mask served me in my life? Absolutely. In many ways, I would not be where I am in this moment if not for that Energizer Bunny part of me, and for the Doing Mask. I am very grateful for both. I am proud of all that have accomplished and all that I have created.

And what have I also learned?

I now see the shadow side of the Doing Mask. In endlessly Doing, I was not permitting myself to Being.  I de-valued the worthiness of “just” Being.

I appreciate the intrinsic necessity of Being. Being produces the essential spark and the wise compass to my Doing. Being enables what I call Directed Doing.

The value in taking off the Doing Mask is that I create the space to look in the proverbial mirror and ask myself two essential questions:

• To what end?

• For whom?

To what end calls my attention to what the specific “doing” is in service of. Something or someone I value? Aligned with my intentions and aspirations? Enabling me to be of greatest service?

For whom calls my attention to whether I am doing this because I think is important, essential, or of value…. or if I am subconsciously doing it because “people” think I should. I call such people “The Invisible They” because I can’t point to any specific person in my life who expresses such judgement or opinion.

By downshifting into Being, I give myself the space to consider and make intentional choices, choices that transcend from the mundane to those of the highest order in guiding my life’s journey.

What do I say yes to and what do I say no to in terms of commitments and responsibilities?

What truly serves me? What does not?

How do those actions align with what I see as my calling in this world?

What does my body need from me, a body that has carried me through much thus far?

What care does my spirit need?

What relationships mean the most to me, and what tending or presence do they need?

I appreciate that Doing and Being are yin and yang; the greatest benefit is experienced in the combination.  We need to BE in order to most effectively DO, and as we DO, we are provided with learning, wisdom, and insight that illuminates our awareness as we BE. The balance between the two states is dynamic.  With growing awareness and deliberate practice, I find myself more fluidly now moving between them over a course of a day.

An unexpected gift of this global health crisis – the forced stopping - is the reveal of the Doing Mask for those who choose to see it and embrace it, with courage and with curiosity.

I invite you to explore the Doing Mask for yourself.

• Consider your usage. In what ways have you been wearing a Doing Mask?

  • What has wearing the Doing Mask provided to you? How has it served you?  In what situations particularly?

  • What did wearing the Doing Mask encourage you to say YES to? What have been the implications?

  • What did wearing the Doing Mask encourage you to say NO to? What have been the implications?

• Trace the ripple effect. How have you been encouraging a Doing mask for your team or your organization?

  • What have you prioritized as a result?

  • What have you de-prioritized, or turned away from?

  • How has that served you?

  • How has it gotten in your way? What has it held you back from?

• Visualize removing the Doing Mask. What comes up for you?

  • What do you become aware of that it has been hiding? What yearnings or desires? What fears or concerns? What questions or uncertainties?

• Explore the Being.

  • What does being in Being look like to you?

  • How do you create space for Being?

  • What do you need to believe to create that space and allow that for yourself?

  • When will you practice that?

  • What will you do when that that intention or time is challenged (when the pull of the Doing Mask becomes powerful)?

The Doing Mask is an important life accessory. It has usefulness in different situations and contexts. Going forward, may you put it on with greater intentionality and fully leverage its benefits and impact in balancing it with times of Being.