Back in the Game

Get Going.

That is the inner impulse I’ve been feeling since this new calendar year began.  While traveling the final stretch through one of life’s dark valleys, I have felt a parallel sense of awakening in what I think about as my creative capacity. The sensation feels like a crackle, an igniting.

I noticed that as I began to express myself creatively through art, the flow of ideas intensified: books and articles to write, story lines for my upcoming podcast. I’d be in a conversation with a friend, see a billboard, be reading a biography, engaged in a client session, walking in the woods – and Zing! Another flash of illumination.

I decided to take a first pass at “scooping up” some of these idea fragments. Fragments are recorded in the margins of client notes, on post-its, in the notepad or voice memos on my phone, asterisks in my journal, in a digital photo of a prompt snapped quickly. I started gathering them on two pages in a sketchbook: one page of concepts for different kinds of books, one page of ideas for article-length pieces.

So. Much. To. Write.

I have no shortage of offerings for my fellow humans to read, listen to, and reflect upon. My overarching intention is that through them, one is able to find a nugget of illumination that deepens one’s own understanding and appreciation of self, and in so doing, relate to others and the world in ways that bring forward more fulfillment, more peace, more healing, more connection, more joy.

And yet, despite this motivation I feel powerfully and deeply within me, the cursor blinks at me from the blank page of a Word document. “Well? And?” it seems to say. The concepts wait, dormant, in the sketchbook.

Why?

Physics gave me a clue. In a nutshell, Newton’s First Law of Motion puts forward that a body at rest will remain at rest unless an outside force acts upon it. A body in motion -- at a consistent velocity -- will remain in motion (unless acted upon by an outside force).

Bottom line: it’s all about Getting Going.

Because once you get going, you typically stay going  -- towards the destination you focus on.

It is always possible that such an outside force materializes to jumpstart me -- in the form of an established publishing house asking me to submit a book proposal (that did honest-to-goodness happen, in 2019 .. Simon & Schuster!) or that a well-known magazine (that’s you: Fast Company, Forbes, MIT Sloan Management Review, etc.) asks me to write an article. But that could take some time. If I really want to get going to be of the greatest help I can be to others, I can’t wait. I need to be my own “outside force”.

What’s holding me back?

People who know me well tell me that I’m a force of nature, an effervescent catalyst, a determined, energizing person who takes initiative and drives something forward, one who “makes things happen”.  Being an “outside force” on myself is something that is in my very nature and has been since I was a child.

What’s different in this situation? Where did that part of me go?

I started to get curious about myself on the nature of inner resistance that appears to have taken over. Who or what am I resisting in relationship to bringing these ideas fully to life?

I realized that understanding the nature of the resistance comes through the stories that other parts of me are telling.

What are some of these stories I’m telling myself? The inner monologue says things like: It will be hard. It will take a lot of time. It needs to be comprehensive. It needs to fit this kind of mold, to look a certain way. You need to do more learning. You need to do more research. It needs to have an appendix! It needs to go through this kind of publisher or media source. Softer, quieter are comments like: The content will not be special or different enough. Everyone’s already said everything to be said or written on that topic. It won’t be good enough. Is anyone going to read it or listen to it?

As I reflected on these different story threads, I realized that there was one that “hit the jackpot” – one I felt a lot of inner energy around.

The bulk of my resistance to bringing these books and articles to life is not anchored around concerns about the end product of my effort and whether it will be read, accepted, well regarded – or what people would in turn think about me.  I am very clear that whoever is intended to benefit by reading or hearing my words will receive them. And that this is not about me. It’s about the messages.

The inner resistance centers around the story about the PROCESS getting there – what will be involved in having the book, the article, in hand. Specifically, that it will be hard, effortful, time-consuming, and so not fun. (Hello, family lineage. I saw in those words the implicit motto – life is hard, you have to work hard - I inherited, a belief passed on through generations of my family. It morphed over time to take on an implication that everything is hard.)

How do I defuse the blocking energy of that storyline within me?

I stepped back from that story and I thought about other “hard things” I’ve done in my life (there are many). I focused on one in particular, because it involved doing something that I don’t think my body physiology was particularly designed for: running a half marathon. While I played softball growing up from elementary school to college, I’m not built for speed. Let’s just say I was not at the front of the pack in any kind of sprint running drill.

I realized I was clear on the goal: it was not my speed in running a half marathon, it was about finishing one. I decided that completing a half marathon was something I wanted to do for myself – to prove I could do it, that I could legit call myself ‘a runner.’

What did I do? Well, what I DIDN’T do was wake up one morning and decide to run a half marathon that afternoon. I trained in a structured way with guidance from expert sources, one step, one mile at a time, from walk to jog to run. And through this consistent approach, I created momentum. I cultivated a tempo. A body in motion stays in motion. And I remember after my first 12-mile-long training run, I was bit stunned. I felt like I could have run longer – another mile or two. It was easier than I thought to build up to running that distance. I could do it! And I did it. (I still have the medal from that half marathon in my desk drawer.)

So yes, I need be my own ‘outside force’. I’ve done it before. I can do it again. Else, I will be forever at a standing start holding a sketchbook of partially developed writing concepts.

Remember, I told myself. I didn’t launch right into attempting a 13.1 mile run; I began with walk/jog intervals for 10 minutes. I didn’t get discouraged. I reframed the challenge in my mind. I told myself everything I did in training was running a half marathon. What if I did the same here? Instead of doing a stare-down with the blinking cursor for the first page of the first chapter of one of the books, what if I approached it like the half marathon? What if every word I wrote was part of writing and publishing the first book?

I looked those sketchbook pages and flipped them over. Just for the moment.

I wrote in block letters: GET GOING.

Then I asked myself this question:

“What is my FIRST next step?”

And so how did I respond to that question, you may ask.

You’re reading it now.

I am building momentum, one step – one post, one podcast episode at a time. The published articles will come. The books will come. Probably faster and easier than parts of me imagine. Stay tuned for those.

What’s on your own wish list for what you want to be true this year?

What’s your FIRST next step?

I’m Getting Going. Will you join me?

As inspiration, I offer these words from the eloquent former Poet Laureate for the state of Maine, Stuart Kestenbaum:

Benediction

Heaven knows

where you’ll go

once you

get started,

only that

the rain

will wake

your heart

and something

will sprout

within you, something

you can’t name and the earth

of your body

will welcome

it home.

What We Can ALL Learn from Elmo....

I thank Elmo (Elmo Sesame Street) for my return to writing these posts/articles (after a necessary personal period of what I call “deep scuba mode”).

Elmo, a kind, open, friendly muppet from Sesame Street, tweeted on Monday a question on X. A question so simple on the surface. A question that sparked a veritable tidal wave of response. (As of this morning, if I’m interpreting it right, it’s close to 200 million views.)

So seemingly outsized was that response that The New York Times ran a follow-up article observing the phenomena, entitled: “Elmo Asked an Innocuous Question” with a subtitle of “Elmo was not expecting it to open a yawning chasm of despair” (https://www.nytimes.com/2024/01/30/style/elmo-x-question.html). This is what caught my eye, and I was intrigued.

The NYT article quotes Samantha Maltin, chief marketing and brand officer of Sesame Workshop in sharing her perspective of the phenomena: she “thinks the overwhelming engagement with Elmo’s post points to a dire need for free, easy-to-access mental health resources.”

I don’t disagree with that as a need.

Or that she points to the multitude of societal, economic, and geopolitical forces today as sources affecting the mental health – and inter-connected physical well-being – of many, if not all, of us to one degree or another.

Yes, and… I see something deeper at the root.

We are in what I hold as a “Disconnection Epidemic”.

Disconnected from each other – I’d argue in all aspects of life – and even more, disconnected from ourselves.

We have the illusion of connection with others that social media has been carefully cultivating for us for some time, through apps that track likes and followers and views. (Pick your app du jour.) The global pandemic accelerated and deepened this trend, with its required physical social distancing.

What happens in this illusion of connection?

When we really feel something, we get a sense that there is no one to turn to. No one to feel with. To be fully vulnerable to, in all the rawness and the messiness. To simply express things to out loud. To work through whatever we may be wrestling with.

When life inevitably gets hard, messy, painful, dark – we need that connection.

When life is joyful, and we want someone to celebrate with us -- we need that connection.

A connection with someone who shows up for us, and keeps showing up, because what I call their “come from place” is a deep care for us as a human – it’s not about them.

We are inherently – biochemically and psychologically - relational creatures. Neuroscience research has underscored this many times over. We seek others to feed a core need of what I see as witnessing – to be seen, to be heard, to be valued for being simply who you are and all you are, right now. These are the yearnings of the human heart – to be witnessed in this way by others.

Someone who posted a response to Elmo said it with such emotional poignancy, I immediately felt the pang deep within my own heart:

“Somehow this actually legit makes me feel better. Thank you Elmo, for caring.”

Witnessing is a powerful act of kindness, of caring, or love.

What happens when we feel unseen? Unheard? Unappreciated? Not witnessed for the truth and realness of who we fully are in a given moment?

The heart freezes, numbs. It can do so slowly, so we don’t even fully notice it happening. It is an ultimate protective move when parts of us feel or perceive the loss of access to caring connection, to love. We’re kidding ourselves by telling a very tall tale if we say this is not true.

And witnessing benefits the one who is witnessing as well – it is an act of giving, helping another person. Again, scientific research points to the “good feeling" chemicals such as endorphins (a sense of euphoria) and oxytocin (promotes tranquility and inner peace) that are released biochemically when we are involved in acts of giving to others. (As an aside, I don’t see witnessing as a passive role; it is an active one. And the act of witnessing gets diminished, I think, because witnessing is a state of being, not doing. And today’s society and cultures wire us to look for, prioritize, and value acts of doing over acts of being.)

The “Disconnection Epidemic” has even deeper roots. For not only are we increasingly disconnected from others, but we are also disconnected from ourselves: our bodies, our minds, our hearts, our spirits. Some might say they are connected by the self-care they take with their physical bodies – yoga, movement, diet, sleep, etc. That is all very important. But the connection to our minds, hearts, and spirits is equally so.

So, what does that look like? Well, how often do you pause, and in the inner quiet ask yourself the questions: What I am feeling in this moment? Can I simply be with that? What do I need? What are my heart’s core wishes, my spirit’s deepest desires, in this moment?

To what extent do we ask ourselves these questions and pause, holding space for the responses to come forward? If we deny our feelings, and our core wishes, we deny ourselves. For in naming our feelings and the thoughts that go with them, seeking to have our needs met - by ourselves first and foremost, and others as they can, and pursuing our core wishes are all acts of self-love. In ignoring, avoiding, dismissing, or resisting those, we create disconnection from our core essence as human beings. We become un-moored.  And in so doing, we prevent ourselves from being able to access the full range of inner resources and capacities that are within all of us as part of our birthright as humans.

Asking these questions is not a ‘one and done’. It is a continuous inquiry we need to ask ourselves – I’d advocate daily - for we are ever-changing and evolving, as the context around us ever changes and evolves.

So now what? What can you do in this Disconnection Epidemic?

Connect to yourself. In the morning, before you get out of bed. Or in the evening, after you’ve climbed back into bed. Or when you’ve got a few minutes of solitary time in your day, maybe on your commute. Or when you’re getting ready in the morning, and you look in the mirror. Pause. Ask yourself these questions with as much kindness as you would show to the person you love most in this world:

·       What am I feeling in this moment?

·       Can I take a few minutes to simply be with that feeling? To just experience it?

·       What do I need?

·       How can I give that to myself?

·       Is there a request I can make of someone else to help me with that need?

·       What does my heart desire in this moment? How can I give that to myself?

Connect – truly connect - to someone else. As Elmo did, a simple check in with an open-ended question that comes from a place of kindness, with a charge of curiosity (I genuinely want to know) and compassion (I see YOU, I hear YOU) can mean far more to that person than you will ever imagine. It’s most powerful if it’s voice to voice, or face to face.

A question I always start every client session with is: “How are you in this moment?”

I’m not interested in a generic “Good” or “Fine” or “Busy” which is often a default answer to what can feel like a superficial ‘how are you’ question, because a part or parts within us may challenge in our inner speak: Do you really care how I am? Do you really want to listen?

“In this moment” is a key phrase for me because it anchors a person in the now, in what is the present. The question always draws forward a range of different emotions and thoughts than many times my clients are surprised to hear themselves expressing out loud. At the close of a recent session with a client where he named and allowed himself to just experience and be with each of the emotions that were activated for him from a series of recent events, he said, “I feel 10 pounds lighter right now.”

Who is one person you can reach out to today and simply say: I’m thinking about you. How are you in this moment?

Imagine the possibility of what happens if every person who reads this asks this question of both themselves and one other human.

What opening is possible? What release is possible? What sense of kindness, care, and love is sparked in the atmosphere around each of us? Let’s experiment and find out…..

The theme of connection – to ourselves, to others (in all aspects of our lives) – is something that I have ever deepening passion around. It is a key to everything. If this resonates with you, or you have even a spark of curiosity, stay tuned. I’ll be writing about this more, and I have a podcast in the works for a launch soon.

Whoever arrives at these final words, know that I appreciate you for following the impulse to click and read.

Leonard Cohen, a Lyft Driver, and me

By Karin Stawarky

When you tune into the quiet voice deep within or notice a gentle but clear impulse or ‘pull’ towards something, remarkable things can happen. I have opened myself and surrendered to those intuitive callings, as I believe there is a greater wisdom giving ‘lift’ to them.

Last week on the West Coast, I ordered a Lyft back to my hotel. I requested a “quiet ride” in the app because I was tired – it had been a 3:30 am wakeup for a flight, on the heels of a remembrance service the day before for someone deeply beloved to me. That experience of honoring his life had left me emotionally drained and I was not up for engaging in conversation with a potentially chatty driver.

The car pulled up, and as I got in, the driver – I’ll call him Allen – said graciously, “hello, Miss Karin.” Now, very few people I encounter in my travels in life engage in that polite, genuinely respectful way. I didn’t expect it from a young man whom I thought to be in his twenties.

But there was something different I sensed about his presence. A brightness.

He asked where I was coming from, and I replied that I had just had a meeting with someone whose work I admired. And through that meeting, an unexpected gift – an emergent friendship.

I thought that would be that in terms of our interaction – I could turn my head towards the window, or close my eyes, and communicate that silence was desired.

Then deep within me, the soft voice urged – talk to him.

I sighed. Really? Okay, I’ll talk to him.

So, I asked Allen what he liked about being a Lyft driver.

And with that question unlocked one of the most amazing exchanges I’ve had in a long time.

Allen described – in a very upbeat way – how he works 3 jobs. He is very focused on goals that he has for himself, and he works hard to achieve them.

As a former college athlete whose injury prevented him from joining the pros, he is a personal trainer for adults… but he also elects to go back to his high school as a volunteer to coach and mentor kids on the team.  As he talked about the high school team, it was clear that he was not only training bodies, he was training minds – inspiring these teenagers to not only finish school and go to college but also see the possibility and opportunity they could make for themselves as humans.

One of his personal training clients then recruited him to a job in case management – he works with clients who are experiencing housing insecurity and helps place them in a more stable living situation. (This is an urban area that is experiencing a particularly acute issue with homelessness and a shortage of viable housing options.)

His description of the clients he serves in case management was striking. “When I get on the phone with them, sometimes they’ll get mad and start yelling at me. But I know it’s not me that they are mad at. They are angry with something that’s happening in their life or something that happened before the call. I just stay calm, and I tell them: I’m sorry that you’re mad. But I’m not going anywhere. I’m here to help you, so we can help get you into a better situation.” And he said that most of the time, that seems to calm the client down so that they can actually talk. He and I then discussed how the anger does not define that client as a person. It is a part of them that is activated by something that happened to them or is happening to them. This angry part is trying to protect them in some way.

If you are on the receiving end of the anger, we talked about how you can ask your own mind: ‘can I look through the anger to imagine what’s behind the anger?’ What we can see from that place is that behind the anger is always a fear. Fear that is grounded in belief and story about what a part of them predicts is going to happen, often based on something that did happen at a point in time – something that threatened an aspect of their safety, their belonging or acceptance, their ability to be respected and valued.

“All three jobs are about customer service,” he said. “How you treat people influences how successful you are.”

The way that Allen engaged with the teenagers, the housing clients, and me as Lyft customer illuminated for me how he is living and leading with an open heart. He is able to engage with the other person from a place of calm, connection, compassion, and courage.

He didn’t learn any of this in school. He didn’t learn it in any kind of training. No one directly taught him this or told him to do this or be this way. (I asked him.) His poise, perspective, and wisdom are remarkable. Allen expresses an authenticity that comes from his heart – he is guided by his own inner ‘yardstick’ for success instead of looking outside himself to what I call ‘the invisible they’ for validation.

Allen is a human who is highly observant, deeply reflective, clear about his values, and seeks to live in integrity with them. He also truly believes he can make a difference. That he matters in and to this world.

As we were getting closer to the hotel, he reflected: “I enjoy all three jobs. But I think there is a bigger stage for me… I just don’t know what that is.”

It was clear to me what a powerful force for good Allen is, bringing light to every interaction he has in a given day, including me as a random passenger.

Suddenly a song flashed into my mind (that gentle impulse again). I knew I had to speak it. “Allen, have you heard of Leonard Cohen’s song Anthem?”

Allen didn’t know of the song or Leonard Cohen.

“There’s a line in that song where Leonard sings ‘ring the bells that still can ring.’ Ring that bell, Allen,” I urged. “All we tend to hear about in the world is the hate, the violence, the division. But there is so much light. There is so much goodness. If we look for it, we find it. There are examples of human spirit in everyday life, of one person genuinely connecting with another person and trying to help them. Not because there is anything in it for them as a helper. Because it’s simply the right thing to do. That drive comes from the wisdom of the heart.”

Allen immediately looked up the song and hit play just as we stopped at a red light. As Leonard spoke the first few words, Allen said softly, “Oh wow. I love his voice.”

Leonard’s unique vocals filled the car like we were in a grand cathedral, in reverence. Allen and I were motionless and almost breathless.

After Leonard uttered lines, “Ring the bells that still can ring. Forget your perfect offering. There is a crack, a crack in everything – that’s how the light gets in”, Allen exclaimed, “I’ve got chills all over my body. There is no perfect offering! Yes! Yes! There’s a crack in everything! That’s how the light gets in!”

As we pulled up to the hotel, I said, “we’re all perfectly imperfect as humans, Allen. And we all can be such bright lights in the world, just as we are. Ring the bell that you can ring – keep doing what you are doing. And I know without question a bigger stage for you will present itself for you to shine that light even brighter.”

Allen stopped the car and turned to me, saying, “You wait right there.”

He ran around the car and opened the door for me, a lovely and gentlemanly act. As I got out of the car, I looked up at him (I’m tall, and he’s quite a bit taller than me) and again the impulse came from deep within. “Allen, this is a very odd thing for me to ask a total stranger, but would it be OK if I gave you a hug?”

“Absolutely!” he beamed and folded me into a big bear hug.

He then stood back and looking at me said, “I appreciate you, Miss Karin.”

What did I do? I just asked a question with genuine interest and listened deeply, witnessing him. That is the simple gift I gave to him – seeing him for who he is and how he is in the world, hearing him, honoring him.

The whole exchange was maybe 10, 15 minutes. And the content and energy of the conversation still stay with me.

And Allen gave me a gift, one that I don’t know he does not appreciate the depth of.

He reminded me to ring the bell that still can ring.

The bell that amplifies goodness and love and joy and hope in this world.

Bells can appear when you least expect them.

The bell doesn’t have to be large to matter.  It can be a small bell, but its sound can travel from person to person to person in ways one can’t anticipate or will never know.

Isn’t every interaction we have with another human an opportunity to ring a bell?

What would that look like? How would we choose to show up differently, even in difficult, charged conversations like Allen does with his housing clients?

He reinforced for me yet again that our real gift to the world and to each other is that simple yet that powerful: how we are being, not in what we are doing.

Rethinking Resolutions

By Karin Stawarky

We associate many things with the month of January: the taking down of holiday decorations, MLK day, football playoffs, clearance sales, winter weather delays … and resolutions. As we close out the month, I wonder how many resolutions formed so earnestly on January 1st have held….

I have a problem with resolutions. Why? For one, resolutions are black and white. Further, we often set the targets aggressively, tending to be driven by what we think we should do versus what is realistic or feasible. These targets tend to be either falsely precise (I will lose 15 pounds by May 1! I will run 3 times a week! I will only have wine on Saturday! I will not check my phone before bed! I will get 8 hours of sleep every night! I will host weekly dinner parties!) or abstract (I will be more patient with the friend who texts me incessantly about the minutia of life).

Framed in that way, resolutions become zero-sum games – we win /lose, we succeed / fail. There is no continuum, no grey zone. The question is stark: did we meet it or not? We have a tendency to only say we have ‘achieved’ if we hit whatever concrete goal we have defined. That is how we have been schooled to think about resolutions, and what our societal norms tend to promote. Who jumps up and down for partial victories (e.g. I ran once this week instead of 3 times)?

I offer that it is in our collective consciousness that resolutions don’t work. Think about the number of jokes we hear or tell each other on the breaking of resolutions. Deep down, there is a belief seeded that resolutions are meant to be written, not to be realized. Consider the number of people you see at the gym the first week of January….and how that number dwindles by mid-February.

If you are like many, you may have given resolutions the good college try for a year or two, and then after a spotty track record (perhaps some “wins”, some half-hearted attempts, some non-starters), you profess to friends, “Oh, I don’t do resolutions.” Because why would you want to set yourself up for something that you believe is going to ultimately make you feel bad about yourself? Who needs more opportunities for self-flagellation or blame? No deliberate set-up for discouragement, thank you.

And yet. You wish for something to be different, you dream about an alternative – whatever that may be. How does one get from here to there?

Change is hard. Really hard for us humans. While many of us cognitively are aware of that, we seem to fight it, believing that we can power through to new behaviors with a flip of a switch.

I think we need to give ourselves more grace. No, this does not mean giving ourselves an “out” for not taking steps to take better care of the sacred vessel of our bodies, to show up as better humans to one another, to create better lives for ourselves -- whatever that looks like to you.

It does mean there is the possibility to think differently about how we frame our intentions in a way that gives us permission to respond to dynamically changing contexts, needs, information, and insights.

It also means we celebrate our progress, taking heed of the old adage “life is about the journey, not the destination”. Yes, in the hyper-paced, results-oriented world we live in with instant tabulation of successes and failures, this can be challenging.  I propose that by celebrating small increments of progress or growth, we are reinforcing the shifts in mindset and behavior we are pursuing.

So, what is does the alternate approach look like? Consider the following:

1.    Instead of making a list of specific resolutions (what I will or won’t do), identify two simple things: a state of being (who do I want to be? How do I want others to experience me?) and an area of focus (what part of my life do I want to raise my awareness or consciousness around?).

Take this on for 12 months. The beauty of this approach is there is no right or wrong. Whatever that looks like to you is just perfect. As an example, my state of being for 2019 is to be radiant – radiate the love, joy, wisdom and hope I have within to illuminate the world around me and touch those I interact with. My area of focus is relationships – in all senses of the word: personal and professional, long-lasting and fleeting, new and old.  I chose this state of being and area of focus because I believe that this will help to expand and enrich my life in desired and unexpected ways, all contributing to my wellbeing and my ability to positively affect the world around me.

2.   Add color. What does it mean for me to be radiant? What do I need? In part, it means I need to feel good. What does it take for me to feel good? I think about aspects like the food I’m cooking and consuming, monitoring the amount of sleep I’m getting, listening closely to my body for what it is telling me, creating time for play or “chillaxing” (chilling out + relaxing). [A shout out to my dear friend Julie who introduced this term to me.] I realized that I’ve never allowed myself to chillax. That was not my family model of hyper-productivity. We are always on the go -- doing, working, producing, creating, taking care of others. While still honoring my crackerjack planner mode, I’m now giving myself permission for chillaxing time.

3.   Break it down. Think about it in increments. First, figure out the time interval that most resonates with you – this month, this week, tomorrow. Next, ask yourself what I am going to do to support my state of being? My area of focus? I suggest using the following format:

To support my desired state of being, I seek to _______________. To do that most effectively, I need ________________.

To advance within my area of focus, I seek to _______________. To do that most effectively, I need ________________.

You may find it helpful to write those statements down: in a journal, on a note on your smartphone, on a post-it note that you affix to your bathroom mirror or computer.

(To note: there has been much written about actions or specific techniques for changing one’s habits. I’m not going to focus on that here.)

4.   Pause and reflect. Yes, this is ESSENTIAL. At the end of month, the week, or the day, think about your intention for how you want to be and where you want to give energy and focus. How did it go? What did you learn? What did you notice? What did you experience? How did you experience others as they interacted with you?

5.   Celebrate. Reaffirm your intention and acknowledge your effort towards that – however modest the progress or small the step may seem. Say it aloud to yourself – even better if you say it to yourself while looking in the mirror. For the best coach of you is you.  Would you refrain from cheering on friend, a significant other, a sibling, a co-worker, a child, a favorite team as they try for something they want? So why not say “YAY ME!” (with regularity) in acknowledgement of where you are and where you have come from?

6.   Focus forward. For the next month, or next week, think about the adjustment(s) you will make based on those observations and insights. It helps because we learn as we go, and we may shift approaches or behaviors that are a better fit for what we want to accomplish or experience. The key is flexibility. I may run some experiments one month in the area of relationships and decide that some of them are worth continuing (because I’m feeling energized and I like the response I get from others) and others not because the energy and effort expended was greater than the outcome/benefit I experienced.

I believe in possibility, and in the ability of each one of us to grow into the kind of person we most want to be and life we most desire. Realizing that can be as simple as unleashing the curiosity to explore a different path to make that your reality.

Discover Your Magnet: Two Simple Words To Get What You Want

By Karin Stawarky

Be intentional. Sounds simple. But how consistently are we in that, really?

Some of us practice intentionality in terms of what we do – the actions we take. For instance, being intentional in everything from proactively planning your time during a week, to creating space for reflection, to ensuring you get 8 hours of sleep. 

I argue that we do not equally focus on the how – our mindset and presence in our doing. Why is this important? Most of the time, achieving what we want is in some way dependent upon others. We realize our goals and dreams with, supported by, and because of others we are in relationship with. These relationships can be long-lasting or brief.

Relationships reflect a series of interactions over time. In those interactions, we are seen, heard, and experienced by others in ways that may help us or hold us back from realizing what we hope for.

So let’s think about a typical interaction on a given work day. How many of us are truly intentional about that? We tend to operate on autopilot: we make assumptions and leap into the conversation, focusing more on what’s being said (and often, what we say) than anything else. Sometimes the interaction just flows, sometimes it is rocky, sometimes it is just unsettling – we can’t quite put our finger on it. And we wonder why the interaction unfolded as it did.

Here’s the catch: we’re often so focused on the content of a conversation that we completely miss the experience of a conversation – for ourselves and for others. It is the experience of the conversation more often than not which influences how people see us and hear us -- and thereby, what they do or don’t do. Do they effectively tune us in or tune us out? What we think is happening may not be how others perceive us. 

The secret to realizing what we want is very much tied to how we show up. Yet how often do we think about that? We are so heads down in the “doing” that we don’t remember or give attention to the “being”. What about how we show up is going to help us or hold us back from achieving what we want?

In a recent coaching conversation with Kate, a senior executive, we talked about her frustration in the lack of recognition for significant contributions she has made to the growth of the business. As we talked about these examples, she shared how these priority projects involved her recruiting others from different parts of the business to work through a problem and create a solution together. In replaying those interactions, Kate described how she stepped into the role as the facilitator to move the discussion forward. She acknowledged that she effectively “sat back” and left the space for others’ voices to carry the recommendation. Kate realized that in doing so, she faded into the background. She was not front and center putting her own voice into the mix and advocating explicitly for what she thought.  “I think I was waiting for someone to give me permission to lead it”, she reflected. As a result, the CEO and others did not identify her with the success of the initiatives.

Who did she want to be? The words came quickly:  highly respected leader, insightful strategist, an innovator who gets it done. Kate wanted to feel more powerful, more significant. She wanted to be seen as a material player in the organization – for the CEO to say: “we would not have been able to do this without Kate.”  She wanted to be in demand for her abilities, expertise, and knowledge. To make this real, we identified an important mindset shift about her role: from enabler to owner.

To put this into action, we came up with an experiment: Every meeting she walks into, she thinks: “I own this” – I own the process, I own the quality of the conversation, I own the outcome.

To help reinforce this way of thinking in her mind, each time she walks out of her office, she said to herself: “I own it”. The phrase “I own it” provides a clear intention for her mindset, her actions, and her presence in how she approaches interactions. And over time, Kate found the outcomes changing in ways she desired, with more recognition for her contributions. She was treated differently by her colleagues, who frequently reached out to her as a thought partner in solving thorny issues. Kate recently was asked by the CEO to present to the Board a major new strategic initiative she developed.

How do you open up this up for yourself? Here’s how to get started:

Break it down. Experiment with a single interaction. Pick one interaction you know you’ll have in the course of the day, an interaction with someone else that matters to you. You might choose a lower stakes interaction to get started (where the consequences are not too high, versus one that involves a big decision).

Pause. Create the mental space for yourself. It may be as you’re having your first cup of coffee, as you’re in the shower, or as you’re driving your car to work. Our minds can be an endless train of thoughts; you need to consciously put these on temporary hold.

Ask yourself 3 simple questions.

• WHAT do you want: What do you want to have happen? What do you want to be true?

• WHO do you want to be: Who you need to be to make that outcome possible? (Tip: Think about the three words you’d like someone to say about you when you leave the room – the impression you make with others.)

• ·HOW do you want to be: What do you want to feel during and after that interaction? How do you want others to experience you? (Tip: Think about an adjective you would want the other person to use to describe what it is like to interact with you.)

Write it down.  The response to these questions can be a few simple words. Capture these as a note in your phone or write it on a Post-It note and stick it somewhere where it will catch you eye. Refer back to this throughout the day to consciously remind yourself.

Reflect. After the conversation or meeting, or at the end of the day, take a few minutes to consider how close you were to realizing your what, who, and how. In particular, think about:

• What helped you achieve that? What are the enablers to help you realize your intentions?

• What got in your way? What were the blockers? What took you off course from realizing your intention?

• How can you make sure you have more of the enablers in place? And how can you get rid of (or reduce the strength of) the blockers?

Repeat. Stick with your WHAT-WHO-HOW for a week (ideally a month). What do you notice?

Be intentional. Simple words with the potential for big impact. Go ahead – try it on in your next interaction. See the difference that you can create in getting closer to what you want.