Leonard Cohen, a Lyft Driver, and me

By Karin Stawarky

When you tune into the quiet voice deep within or notice a gentle but clear impulse or ‘pull’ towards something, remarkable things can happen. I have opened myself and surrendered to those intuitive callings, as I believe there is a greater wisdom giving ‘lift’ to them.

Last week on the West Coast, I ordered a Lyft back to my hotel. I requested a “quiet ride” in the app because I was tired – it had been a 3:30 am wakeup for a flight, on the heels of a remembrance service the day before for someone deeply beloved to me. That experience of honoring his life had left me emotionally drained and I was not up for engaging in conversation with a potentially chatty driver.

The car pulled up, and as I got in, the driver – I’ll call him Allen – said graciously, “hello, Miss Karin.” Now, very few people I encounter in my travels in life engage in that polite, genuinely respectful way. I didn’t expect it from a young man whom I thought to be in his twenties.

But there was something different I sensed about his presence. A brightness.

He asked where I was coming from, and I replied that I had just had a meeting with someone whose work I admired. And through that meeting, an unexpected gift – an emergent friendship.

I thought that would be that in terms of our interaction – I could turn my head towards the window, or close my eyes, and communicate that silence was desired.

Then deep within me, the soft voice urged – talk to him.

I sighed. Really? Okay, I’ll talk to him.

So, I asked Allen what he liked about being a Lyft driver.

And with that question unlocked one of the most amazing exchanges I’ve had in a long time.

Allen described – in a very upbeat way – how he works 3 jobs. He is very focused on goals that he has for himself, and he works hard to achieve them.

As a former college athlete whose injury prevented him from joining the pros, he is a personal trainer for adults… but he also elects to go back to his high school as a volunteer to coach and mentor kids on the team.  As he talked about the high school team, it was clear that he was not only training bodies, he was training minds – inspiring these teenagers to not only finish school and go to college but also see the possibility and opportunity they could make for themselves as humans.

One of his personal training clients then recruited him to a job in case management – he works with clients who are experiencing housing insecurity and helps place them in a more stable living situation. (This is an urban area that is experiencing a particularly acute issue with homelessness and a shortage of viable housing options.)

His description of the clients he serves in case management was striking. “When I get on the phone with them, sometimes they’ll get mad and start yelling at me. But I know it’s not me that they are mad at. They are angry with something that’s happening in their life or something that happened before the call. I just stay calm, and I tell them: I’m sorry that you’re mad. But I’m not going anywhere. I’m here to help you, so we can help get you into a better situation.” And he said that most of the time, that seems to calm the client down so that they can actually talk. He and I then discussed how the anger does not define that client as a person. It is a part of them that is activated by something that happened to them or is happening to them. This angry part is trying to protect them in some way.

If you are on the receiving end of the anger, we talked about how you can ask your own mind: ‘can I look through the anger to imagine what’s behind the anger?’ What we can see from that place is that behind the anger is always a fear. Fear that is grounded in belief and story about what a part of them predicts is going to happen, often based on something that did happen at a point in time – something that threatened an aspect of their safety, their belonging or acceptance, their ability to be respected and valued.

“All three jobs are about customer service,” he said. “How you treat people influences how successful you are.”

The way that Allen engaged with the teenagers, the housing clients, and me as Lyft customer illuminated for me how he is living and leading with an open heart. He is able to engage with the other person from a place of calm, connection, compassion, and courage.

He didn’t learn any of this in school. He didn’t learn it in any kind of training. No one directly taught him this or told him to do this or be this way. (I asked him.) His poise, perspective, and wisdom are remarkable. Allen expresses an authenticity that comes from his heart – he is guided by his own inner ‘yardstick’ for success instead of looking outside himself to what I call ‘the invisible they’ for validation.

Allen is a human who is highly observant, deeply reflective, clear about his values, and seeks to live in integrity with them. He also truly believes he can make a difference. That he matters in and to this world.

As we were getting closer to the hotel, he reflected: “I enjoy all three jobs. But I think there is a bigger stage for me… I just don’t know what that is.”

It was clear to me what a powerful force for good Allen is, bringing light to every interaction he has in a given day, including me as a random passenger.

Suddenly a song flashed into my mind (that gentle impulse again). I knew I had to speak it. “Allen, have you heard of Leonard Cohen’s song Anthem?”

Allen didn’t know of the song or Leonard Cohen.

“There’s a line in that song where Leonard sings ‘ring the bells that still can ring.’ Ring that bell, Allen,” I urged. “All we tend to hear about in the world is the hate, the violence, the division. But there is so much light. There is so much goodness. If we look for it, we find it. There are examples of human spirit in everyday life, of one person genuinely connecting with another person and trying to help them. Not because there is anything in it for them as a helper. Because it’s simply the right thing to do. That drive comes from the wisdom of the heart.”

Allen immediately looked up the song and hit play just as we stopped at a red light. As Leonard spoke the first few words, Allen said softly, “Oh wow. I love his voice.”

Leonard’s unique vocals filled the car like we were in a grand cathedral, in reverence. Allen and I were motionless and almost breathless.

After Leonard uttered lines, “Ring the bells that still can ring. Forget your perfect offering. There is a crack, a crack in everything – that’s how the light gets in”, Allen exclaimed, “I’ve got chills all over my body. There is no perfect offering! Yes! Yes! There’s a crack in everything! That’s how the light gets in!”

As we pulled up to the hotel, I said, “we’re all perfectly imperfect as humans, Allen. And we all can be such bright lights in the world, just as we are. Ring the bell that you can ring – keep doing what you are doing. And I know without question a bigger stage for you will present itself for you to shine that light even brighter.”

Allen stopped the car and turned to me, saying, “You wait right there.”

He ran around the car and opened the door for me, a lovely and gentlemanly act. As I got out of the car, I looked up at him (I’m tall, and he’s quite a bit taller than me) and again the impulse came from deep within. “Allen, this is a very odd thing for me to ask a total stranger, but would it be OK if I gave you a hug?”

“Absolutely!” he beamed and folded me into a big bear hug.

He then stood back and looking at me said, “I appreciate you, Miss Karin.”

What did I do? I just asked a question with genuine interest and listened deeply, witnessing him. That is the simple gift I gave to him – seeing him for who he is and how he is in the world, hearing him, honoring him.

The whole exchange was maybe 10, 15 minutes. And the content and energy of the conversation still stay with me.

And Allen gave me a gift, one that I don’t know he does not appreciate the depth of.

He reminded me to ring the bell that still can ring.

The bell that amplifies goodness and love and joy and hope in this world.

Bells can appear when you least expect them.

The bell doesn’t have to be large to matter.  It can be a small bell, but its sound can travel from person to person to person in ways one can’t anticipate or will never know.

Isn’t every interaction we have with another human an opportunity to ring a bell?

What would that look like? How would we choose to show up differently, even in difficult, charged conversations like Allen does with his housing clients?

He reinforced for me yet again that our real gift to the world and to each other is that simple yet that powerful: how we are being, not in what we are doing.

From the Kitchen to the Corner Office: How Ina Garten Offers Lessons for Leaders

By Karin Stawarky

Ina Garten has lessons that are bigger than how to make “Foolproof” dinners.

If you widen your lens on where leadership lessons come from, they aren’t always authored by a professor from a well-known business school or a famous CEO. They often come from unexpected people, both recognized names and individuals in one’s everyday life.

The last place I would have thought to get a reminder of a leadership lesson was an article in Food Network Magazine. And yet, there it was.

Ina Garten has been on my mind since I read a piece last night about her 20-year anniversary with The Food Network.  I’ve been a long-time Ina fan; my Mom bought me Ina’s first cookbook – The Barefoot Contessa Cookbook – when initially published in 1999, long before Ina was a household name. (Mom herself was a spotter of talent). Ina is my go-to for dependably delicious, consistently repeatable recipes.

But Ina is more than her magic with recipes (like her Pan-Fried Onion Dip, a staple). What has been sitting with me is how people talk about Ina. Individuals (celebrities in their own right) in the article comment about feeling “lucky” to have met her; what is striking is that they speak about the qualities of her state of being and what the experience is like to be in her company.

An overarching theme from those reflections is Ina’s authenticity and accessibility, her real-ness. Ina is who she is – the persona seen on TV is who she is experienced to be in person. “Ina is everything you hope she’s going to be, that she appears to be.” Her warmth is married with a strength and there is “a ferocity” to her as well. “She is always true to who she is.”

Individuals remarked on her “humor, wit, intelligence”. Ina’s wit and sense of play was vividly illustrated when she “broke the internet” on April Fool’s Day 2020 in the early days of the pandemic when the world was in lockdown. She posted a short video of herself concocting what looks like cosmopolitans for a crowd. As she’s shaking the mix in the cocktail shaker, she quips: “you have to shake it for 30 seconds. But you have lots of time, it’s not a problem.” She then pours the liquid into one single enormous cocktail glass – so large one needs to hold with both hands. Ina gave a gift of laughter in a time of anxiety, uncertainty, and stress.

In conversations, Ina is experienced as a “wonderful storyteller and even better listener.”  She is appreciated for her kindness and her gift “of always making you feel special.”  After one friend had Ina and her husband over for a home-cooked dinner, “Ina then took me aside and told me she knew how much work went into this wonderful meal and how much she appreciated it. I was in heaven.”

The Washington Post published an article about Ina Garten in 2018 titled “What is it about Ina Garten?” referencing the notable diversity of her fan base, which currently includes 3.7 million followers on Instagram. What IS it about Ina? From my view, at the heart of it all, it’s about the power of presence and the atmosphere that then gets created - whether the interactions are in-person or virtual - which sparks followership.

Ina popped into my mind when coaching a CEO of a mid-cap corporation this morning. I’ll call him Frank for now. What could Frank and Ina possibly have in common? It turns out, quite a bit.

In other writing I’ve posted, I’ve talked about your ‘weather system’ -- by that I mean the qualities of and energy around how you show up. The power of your weather system can influence the atmosphere of a conversation, a meeting, a gathering or event. And with applied consistency, it can create permanent climate change in the nature of a relationship, or the culture of a team or an organization. The weather of every person can have a multiplier effect. No matter how long or fleeting the interaction, your weather system can leave either a positive glow or a negative residue on those you come in contact with.

Frank, my CEO client, knows this lesson well. In my coaching session with Frank, he reflected that what matters most in having influence and impact centers around your presence and how you show up. As evidence of that lesson, Frank recently received a message from a colleague who commented along the lines of: “Heard you had plenty of energy at the meeting… I heard from a few folks who were there who are all happy to see you and appreciate the energy. You always show up.” Frank acknowledges: “when I am my best self, I know the impact that I have.”  By Ina being Ina, she reminds us how effective you can be when you go “Back to Basics”.

Beyond a given interaction, the nature of your weather system also influences your ability to effectively generate and maintain followership. Good leaders have followers - people who follow them because they want to, not because they have to (because of title, etc.).  When you generate that kind of voluntary followership, you then create the conditions to invite commitment. Making a commitment is always a personal choice. Commitment begins with people choosing to give you their loyalty, to continue to follow you in the direction you lead. But the magic really happens beyond loyalty. The greatest commitment that a leader can receive is someone choosing to give you their hands (to help you do the work), their heads (to freely share their ideas, creativity, the full extent of their knowledge) AND their hearts (to unleash their passion and energy). With that kind of commitment, any organization can become electric with possibility and results.

Your weather system shapes the atmosphere of the interaction you have with another. Our weather system can send clear messages without us even saying a word. In order for a person to consider giving you their loyalty and then making the commitment to give you their ‘all’, they need to experience three things from you: That you see them. That you hear them. AND that you value them. To truly be seen in that moment, for your voice to be heard and received, and to be appreciated for who you are is a gift.

Frank is ‘tuned in’ to the effect his presence has on his organization and makes conscious, intentional choices about how he enters into conversations with others. Like Ina, he is also thoughtful and deliberate in expressing his appreciation in the moment. Frank’s company recently received a milestone recognition. Frank invited his members of his extended leadership team to participate with him in the event. At one level, participation in such a public event itself signals appreciation – a way of recognizing that you mattered in getting us to this moment. But Frank took this one step further, in a very personal way. Frank decided to hand write thank-you notes to each leader and named specific contributions each made that supported this achievement.  Interestingly, Frank wrote these cards on a flight. The flight attendants noticed his activity and asked him what he was doing. He explained his intention and continued writing. As Frank was leaving the plane, one of the flight attendants handed him a small box of chocolates with a note and said: “This is from the crew. We wish we had a CEO who did that for us.”

After the event occurred, Frank shared that one of his team had told him: “This was a once in a lifetime experience for me. Quite possibly the best 48 hours of my career, but what made the trip so memorable was spending time with all of you. Your handwritten note to all of us makes it evidently clear—we’re not just at the right company, we’re working with the right leaders.”

We can get caught up that the lessons of effective leadership must be more complicated, more sophisticated, more advanced. But we are fooling ourselves. At the core, it’s not about strategies, techniques, or frameworks to be learned. It all about you as an instrument in how you relate with others.

Personal Weather System Check: You can ask yourself the following 3 questions to be your own weather barometer and raise your awareness on the nature of your presence:

• How do I want to be experienced? (Clear intention)

• Who am I being in this moment? Am I my best self? (Real-time self awareness)

• What is one thing I can do or say to myself to shift into how I want to be experienced by others? (Choiceful action)

Pause for Connectivity: As you enter into an interaction with another person, or a team, ask yourself the following two things:

• How can I indicate to the other(s) that I am fully present with them in this moment, that I truly see and hear them?

• What is one thing I can do or say to acknowledge or appreciate the other(s) for in this moment?

Ina often remarks when she is demonstrating a recipe: “How Easy Is That?” How easy it is indeed, Ina. Thank you for reminding us that effective leadership is a deceptively “easy” one: it is first and foremost about how you show up and how you engage with others. As Maya Angelou rightly and wisely stated: People will never forget how you made them feel.

Postscript: I shared the final draft with Frank for his input prior to publishing and to make sure he was comfortable with his inclusion. He offered the following in response which underscores the importance of this lesson is in today’s context: “The article really is perfect and one of those things I should read each month to remind myself in this complex, chaotic, exhausting world of business (and life) that sometimes just SHOWING UP well is enough … How easy is that? (It’s my favorite when Ina says that!)”

Author’s note: Foolproof, Back To Basics, and How Easy Is That are all titles of Barefoot Contessa cookbooks by Ina Garten.

The Doing Mask

By Karin Stawarky

In this unprecedented time of the pandemic over the past few months, much has shifted.

Our routines are interrupted.

We have been forced to step off of the treadmill that many of us have found ourselves on day after day, consciously or not, running and running and yet never arriving.

A number of us no longer drive to offices, to train stations, to airports, to schools… let alone do errands that fill weekends with one store after another, or shuttle from one activity to another for ourselves, family members, or friends.

This forced “pause” is a stark contrast to what many of us experience as normalcy. If you have found this shift jarring, or uncomfortable, you are not alone. If you are experiencing sensations of anxiety that you can’t quite put your finger on the why behind them, you are not alone.

Cognitively we know from research that pausing is a good thing. Reflecting — one form of pausing — is recognized as beneficial for individuals, teams, and organizations but infrequently gets translated into consistent practice. When reflection does happen, it seems to be with difficulty, effort, and resistance.

Many of my executive coaching clients find it hard to stop, to pause. We are constantly moving, constantly doing. This operating mode is reinforced within our families, our communities, our institutions (from schools to companies), and societies more broadly. This is particularly true as a cultural norm within the United States, where there are unwritten rules in our collective ethos around contemplation, rest, and work: just look at the difference in terms of the granted vacation time between companies in the US versus Europe as one manifestation.

Constant motion, or movement, is a mask. I call this the “Doing Mask”.

I have worn the Doing Mask. In fact, I’ve worn it for most of my life. A very dear friend of mine once remarked to me: “You know, you are one of the most productive people I know.” At the time, I took this as a compliment - indeed, a “badge of honor” – that I was continuously creating and producing. I was the one whom people turned to and relied upon to “get things done.” I proudly crossed item after item off of my daily to-do lists.

In recent years, as I have immersed myself in my own deep inner work bringing together a variety of disciplines and techniques, I became aware of the presence of the Doing Mask. The Doing Mask is a key tool for a part of me that I call the “Energizer Bunny”. Just like in the commercials, the Energizer Bunny was seemingly inexhaustible, never running out of battery, perkily keeping up a consistent drumbeat. Never resting, always moving. In fact, I even convinced myself – for years! – that I really only needed about 4-5 hours of sleep a night. After all, I could then accomplish that much more.

Why do I call it the Doing Mask? One purpose of a mask is to keep something hidden, be it an identity… or a truth. As I explored that part of myself, I discovered something – a different lens through which to view the Doing Mask. I realized that a driver for my constant doing, my endless to-do list, stemmed from a deep need to justify my worth to others. By producing, creating, doing, I was “productive” and being productive to me meant being of positive, accretive value – to my family, my team, my organization, my community, the world. It was a strategy that I learned very young and was implicitly, sub-consciously reinforced by the systems of which I am a part: family, schools, companies I worked for, the community and country I grew up in. Deep down, I believed it granted me respect, standing, and credibility.

Has the Doing Mask served me in my life? Absolutely. In many ways, I would not be where I am in this moment if not for that Energizer Bunny part of me, and for the Doing Mask. I am very grateful for both. I am proud of all that have accomplished and all that I have created.

And what have I also learned?

I now see the shadow side of the Doing Mask. In endlessly Doing, I was not permitting myself to Being.  I de-valued the worthiness of “just” Being.

I appreciate the intrinsic necessity of Being. Being produces the essential spark and the wise compass to my Doing. Being enables what I call Directed Doing.

The value in taking off the Doing Mask is that I create the space to look in the proverbial mirror and ask myself two essential questions:

• To what end?

• For whom?

To what end calls my attention to what the specific “doing” is in service of. Something or someone I value? Aligned with my intentions and aspirations? Enabling me to be of greatest service?

For whom calls my attention to whether I am doing this because I think is important, essential, or of value…. or if I am subconsciously doing it because “people” think I should. I call such people “The Invisible They” because I can’t point to any specific person in my life who expresses such judgement or opinion.

By downshifting into Being, I give myself the space to consider and make intentional choices, choices that transcend from the mundane to those of the highest order in guiding my life’s journey.

What do I say yes to and what do I say no to in terms of commitments and responsibilities?

What truly serves me? What does not?

How do those actions align with what I see as my calling in this world?

What does my body need from me, a body that has carried me through much thus far?

What care does my spirit need?

What relationships mean the most to me, and what tending or presence do they need?

I appreciate that Doing and Being are yin and yang; the greatest benefit is experienced in the combination.  We need to BE in order to most effectively DO, and as we DO, we are provided with learning, wisdom, and insight that illuminates our awareness as we BE. The balance between the two states is dynamic.  With growing awareness and deliberate practice, I find myself more fluidly now moving between them over a course of a day.

An unexpected gift of this global health crisis – the forced stopping - is the reveal of the Doing Mask for those who choose to see it and embrace it, with courage and with curiosity.

I invite you to explore the Doing Mask for yourself.

• Consider your usage. In what ways have you been wearing a Doing Mask?

  • What has wearing the Doing Mask provided to you? How has it served you?  In what situations particularly?

  • What did wearing the Doing Mask encourage you to say YES to? What have been the implications?

  • What did wearing the Doing Mask encourage you to say NO to? What have been the implications?

• Trace the ripple effect. How have you been encouraging a Doing mask for your team or your organization?

  • What have you prioritized as a result?

  • What have you de-prioritized, or turned away from?

  • How has that served you?

  • How has it gotten in your way? What has it held you back from?

• Visualize removing the Doing Mask. What comes up for you?

  • What do you become aware of that it has been hiding? What yearnings or desires? What fears or concerns? What questions or uncertainties?

• Explore the Being.

  • What does being in Being look like to you?

  • How do you create space for Being?

  • What do you need to believe to create that space and allow that for yourself?

  • When will you practice that?

  • What will you do when that that intention or time is challenged (when the pull of the Doing Mask becomes powerful)?

The Doing Mask is an important life accessory. It has usefulness in different situations and contexts. Going forward, may you put it on with greater intentionality and fully leverage its benefits and impact in balancing it with times of Being.