Leonard Cohen, a Lyft Driver, and me

By Karin Stawarky

When you tune into the quiet voice deep within or notice a gentle but clear impulse or ‘pull’ towards something, remarkable things can happen. I have opened myself and surrendered to those intuitive callings, as I believe there is a greater wisdom giving ‘lift’ to them.

Last week on the West Coast, I ordered a Lyft back to my hotel. I requested a “quiet ride” in the app because I was tired – it had been a 3:30 am wakeup for a flight, on the heels of a remembrance service the day before for someone deeply beloved to me. That experience of honoring his life had left me emotionally drained and I was not up for engaging in conversation with a potentially chatty driver.

The car pulled up, and as I got in, the driver – I’ll call him Allen – said graciously, “hello, Miss Karin.” Now, very few people I encounter in my travels in life engage in that polite, genuinely respectful way. I didn’t expect it from a young man whom I thought to be in his twenties.

But there was something different I sensed about his presence. A brightness.

He asked where I was coming from, and I replied that I had just had a meeting with someone whose work I admired. And through that meeting, an unexpected gift – an emergent friendship.

I thought that would be that in terms of our interaction – I could turn my head towards the window, or close my eyes, and communicate that silence was desired.

Then deep within me, the soft voice urged – talk to him.

I sighed. Really? Okay, I’ll talk to him.

So, I asked Allen what he liked about being a Lyft driver.

And with that question unlocked one of the most amazing exchanges I’ve had in a long time.

Allen described – in a very upbeat way – how he works 3 jobs. He is very focused on goals that he has for himself, and he works hard to achieve them.

As a former college athlete whose injury prevented him from joining the pros, he is a personal trainer for adults… but he also elects to go back to his high school as a volunteer to coach and mentor kids on the team.  As he talked about the high school team, it was clear that he was not only training bodies, he was training minds – inspiring these teenagers to not only finish school and go to college but also see the possibility and opportunity they could make for themselves as humans.

One of his personal training clients then recruited him to a job in case management – he works with clients who are experiencing housing insecurity and helps place them in a more stable living situation. (This is an urban area that is experiencing a particularly acute issue with homelessness and a shortage of viable housing options.)

His description of the clients he serves in case management was striking. “When I get on the phone with them, sometimes they’ll get mad and start yelling at me. But I know it’s not me that they are mad at. They are angry with something that’s happening in their life or something that happened before the call. I just stay calm, and I tell them: I’m sorry that you’re mad. But I’m not going anywhere. I’m here to help you, so we can help get you into a better situation.” And he said that most of the time, that seems to calm the client down so that they can actually talk. He and I then discussed how the anger does not define that client as a person. It is a part of them that is activated by something that happened to them or is happening to them. This angry part is trying to protect them in some way.

If you are on the receiving end of the anger, we talked about how you can ask your own mind: ‘can I look through the anger to imagine what’s behind the anger?’ What we can see from that place is that behind the anger is always a fear. Fear that is grounded in belief and story about what a part of them predicts is going to happen, often based on something that did happen at a point in time – something that threatened an aspect of their safety, their belonging or acceptance, their ability to be respected and valued.

“All three jobs are about customer service,” he said. “How you treat people influences how successful you are.”

The way that Allen engaged with the teenagers, the housing clients, and me as Lyft customer illuminated for me how he is living and leading with an open heart. He is able to engage with the other person from a place of calm, connection, compassion, and courage.

He didn’t learn any of this in school. He didn’t learn it in any kind of training. No one directly taught him this or told him to do this or be this way. (I asked him.) His poise, perspective, and wisdom are remarkable. Allen expresses an authenticity that comes from his heart – he is guided by his own inner ‘yardstick’ for success instead of looking outside himself to what I call ‘the invisible they’ for validation.

Allen is a human who is highly observant, deeply reflective, clear about his values, and seeks to live in integrity with them. He also truly believes he can make a difference. That he matters in and to this world.

As we were getting closer to the hotel, he reflected: “I enjoy all three jobs. But I think there is a bigger stage for me… I just don’t know what that is.”

It was clear to me what a powerful force for good Allen is, bringing light to every interaction he has in a given day, including me as a random passenger.

Suddenly a song flashed into my mind (that gentle impulse again). I knew I had to speak it. “Allen, have you heard of Leonard Cohen’s song Anthem?”

Allen didn’t know of the song or Leonard Cohen.

“There’s a line in that song where Leonard sings ‘ring the bells that still can ring.’ Ring that bell, Allen,” I urged. “All we tend to hear about in the world is the hate, the violence, the division. But there is so much light. There is so much goodness. If we look for it, we find it. There are examples of human spirit in everyday life, of one person genuinely connecting with another person and trying to help them. Not because there is anything in it for them as a helper. Because it’s simply the right thing to do. That drive comes from the wisdom of the heart.”

Allen immediately looked up the song and hit play just as we stopped at a red light. As Leonard spoke the first few words, Allen said softly, “Oh wow. I love his voice.”

Leonard’s unique vocals filled the car like we were in a grand cathedral, in reverence. Allen and I were motionless and almost breathless.

After Leonard uttered lines, “Ring the bells that still can ring. Forget your perfect offering. There is a crack, a crack in everything – that’s how the light gets in”, Allen exclaimed, “I’ve got chills all over my body. There is no perfect offering! Yes! Yes! There’s a crack in everything! That’s how the light gets in!”

As we pulled up to the hotel, I said, “we’re all perfectly imperfect as humans, Allen. And we all can be such bright lights in the world, just as we are. Ring the bell that you can ring – keep doing what you are doing. And I know without question a bigger stage for you will present itself for you to shine that light even brighter.”

Allen stopped the car and turned to me, saying, “You wait right there.”

He ran around the car and opened the door for me, a lovely and gentlemanly act. As I got out of the car, I looked up at him (I’m tall, and he’s quite a bit taller than me) and again the impulse came from deep within. “Allen, this is a very odd thing for me to ask a total stranger, but would it be OK if I gave you a hug?”

“Absolutely!” he beamed and folded me into a big bear hug.

He then stood back and looking at me said, “I appreciate you, Miss Karin.”

What did I do? I just asked a question with genuine interest and listened deeply, witnessing him. That is the simple gift I gave to him – seeing him for who he is and how he is in the world, hearing him, honoring him.

The whole exchange was maybe 10, 15 minutes. And the content and energy of the conversation still stay with me.

And Allen gave me a gift, one that I don’t know he does not appreciate the depth of.

He reminded me to ring the bell that still can ring.

The bell that amplifies goodness and love and joy and hope in this world.

Bells can appear when you least expect them.

The bell doesn’t have to be large to matter.  It can be a small bell, but its sound can travel from person to person to person in ways one can’t anticipate or will never know.

Isn’t every interaction we have with another human an opportunity to ring a bell?

What would that look like? How would we choose to show up differently, even in difficult, charged conversations like Allen does with his housing clients?

He reinforced for me yet again that our real gift to the world and to each other is that simple yet that powerful: how we are being, not in what we are doing.

From the Kitchen to the Corner Office: How Ina Garten Offers Lessons for Leaders

By Karin Stawarky

Ina Garten has lessons that are bigger than how to make “Foolproof” dinners.

If you widen your lens on where leadership lessons come from, they aren’t always authored by a professor from a well-known business school or a famous CEO. They often come from unexpected people, both recognized names and individuals in one’s everyday life.

The last place I would have thought to get a reminder of a leadership lesson was an article in Food Network Magazine. And yet, there it was.

Ina Garten has been on my mind since I read a piece last night about her 20-year anniversary with The Food Network.  I’ve been a long-time Ina fan; my Mom bought me Ina’s first cookbook – The Barefoot Contessa Cookbook – when initially published in 1999, long before Ina was a household name. (Mom herself was a spotter of talent). Ina is my go-to for dependably delicious, consistently repeatable recipes.

But Ina is more than her magic with recipes (like her Pan-Fried Onion Dip, a staple). What has been sitting with me is how people talk about Ina. Individuals (celebrities in their own right) in the article comment about feeling “lucky” to have met her; what is striking is that they speak about the qualities of her state of being and what the experience is like to be in her company.

An overarching theme from those reflections is Ina’s authenticity and accessibility, her real-ness. Ina is who she is – the persona seen on TV is who she is experienced to be in person. “Ina is everything you hope she’s going to be, that she appears to be.” Her warmth is married with a strength and there is “a ferocity” to her as well. “She is always true to who she is.”

Individuals remarked on her “humor, wit, intelligence”. Ina’s wit and sense of play was vividly illustrated when she “broke the internet” on April Fool’s Day 2020 in the early days of the pandemic when the world was in lockdown. She posted a short video of herself concocting what looks like cosmopolitans for a crowd. As she’s shaking the mix in the cocktail shaker, she quips: “you have to shake it for 30 seconds. But you have lots of time, it’s not a problem.” She then pours the liquid into one single enormous cocktail glass – so large one needs to hold with both hands. Ina gave a gift of laughter in a time of anxiety, uncertainty, and stress.

In conversations, Ina is experienced as a “wonderful storyteller and even better listener.”  She is appreciated for her kindness and her gift “of always making you feel special.”  After one friend had Ina and her husband over for a home-cooked dinner, “Ina then took me aside and told me she knew how much work went into this wonderful meal and how much she appreciated it. I was in heaven.”

The Washington Post published an article about Ina Garten in 2018 titled “What is it about Ina Garten?” referencing the notable diversity of her fan base, which currently includes 3.7 million followers on Instagram. What IS it about Ina? From my view, at the heart of it all, it’s about the power of presence and the atmosphere that then gets created - whether the interactions are in-person or virtual - which sparks followership.

Ina popped into my mind when coaching a CEO of a mid-cap corporation this morning. I’ll call him Frank for now. What could Frank and Ina possibly have in common? It turns out, quite a bit.

In other writing I’ve posted, I’ve talked about your ‘weather system’ -- by that I mean the qualities of and energy around how you show up. The power of your weather system can influence the atmosphere of a conversation, a meeting, a gathering or event. And with applied consistency, it can create permanent climate change in the nature of a relationship, or the culture of a team or an organization. The weather of every person can have a multiplier effect. No matter how long or fleeting the interaction, your weather system can leave either a positive glow or a negative residue on those you come in contact with.

Frank, my CEO client, knows this lesson well. In my coaching session with Frank, he reflected that what matters most in having influence and impact centers around your presence and how you show up. As evidence of that lesson, Frank recently received a message from a colleague who commented along the lines of: “Heard you had plenty of energy at the meeting… I heard from a few folks who were there who are all happy to see you and appreciate the energy. You always show up.” Frank acknowledges: “when I am my best self, I know the impact that I have.”  By Ina being Ina, she reminds us how effective you can be when you go “Back to Basics”.

Beyond a given interaction, the nature of your weather system also influences your ability to effectively generate and maintain followership. Good leaders have followers - people who follow them because they want to, not because they have to (because of title, etc.).  When you generate that kind of voluntary followership, you then create the conditions to invite commitment. Making a commitment is always a personal choice. Commitment begins with people choosing to give you their loyalty, to continue to follow you in the direction you lead. But the magic really happens beyond loyalty. The greatest commitment that a leader can receive is someone choosing to give you their hands (to help you do the work), their heads (to freely share their ideas, creativity, the full extent of their knowledge) AND their hearts (to unleash their passion and energy). With that kind of commitment, any organization can become electric with possibility and results.

Your weather system shapes the atmosphere of the interaction you have with another. Our weather system can send clear messages without us even saying a word. In order for a person to consider giving you their loyalty and then making the commitment to give you their ‘all’, they need to experience three things from you: That you see them. That you hear them. AND that you value them. To truly be seen in that moment, for your voice to be heard and received, and to be appreciated for who you are is a gift.

Frank is ‘tuned in’ to the effect his presence has on his organization and makes conscious, intentional choices about how he enters into conversations with others. Like Ina, he is also thoughtful and deliberate in expressing his appreciation in the moment. Frank’s company recently received a milestone recognition. Frank invited his members of his extended leadership team to participate with him in the event. At one level, participation in such a public event itself signals appreciation – a way of recognizing that you mattered in getting us to this moment. But Frank took this one step further, in a very personal way. Frank decided to hand write thank-you notes to each leader and named specific contributions each made that supported this achievement.  Interestingly, Frank wrote these cards on a flight. The flight attendants noticed his activity and asked him what he was doing. He explained his intention and continued writing. As Frank was leaving the plane, one of the flight attendants handed him a small box of chocolates with a note and said: “This is from the crew. We wish we had a CEO who did that for us.”

After the event occurred, Frank shared that one of his team had told him: “This was a once in a lifetime experience for me. Quite possibly the best 48 hours of my career, but what made the trip so memorable was spending time with all of you. Your handwritten note to all of us makes it evidently clear—we’re not just at the right company, we’re working with the right leaders.”

We can get caught up that the lessons of effective leadership must be more complicated, more sophisticated, more advanced. But we are fooling ourselves. At the core, it’s not about strategies, techniques, or frameworks to be learned. It all about you as an instrument in how you relate with others.

Personal Weather System Check: You can ask yourself the following 3 questions to be your own weather barometer and raise your awareness on the nature of your presence:

• How do I want to be experienced? (Clear intention)

• Who am I being in this moment? Am I my best self? (Real-time self awareness)

• What is one thing I can do or say to myself to shift into how I want to be experienced by others? (Choiceful action)

Pause for Connectivity: As you enter into an interaction with another person, or a team, ask yourself the following two things:

• How can I indicate to the other(s) that I am fully present with them in this moment, that I truly see and hear them?

• What is one thing I can do or say to acknowledge or appreciate the other(s) for in this moment?

Ina often remarks when she is demonstrating a recipe: “How Easy Is That?” How easy it is indeed, Ina. Thank you for reminding us that effective leadership is a deceptively “easy” one: it is first and foremost about how you show up and how you engage with others. As Maya Angelou rightly and wisely stated: People will never forget how you made them feel.

Postscript: I shared the final draft with Frank for his input prior to publishing and to make sure he was comfortable with his inclusion. He offered the following in response which underscores the importance of this lesson is in today’s context: “The article really is perfect and one of those things I should read each month to remind myself in this complex, chaotic, exhausting world of business (and life) that sometimes just SHOWING UP well is enough … How easy is that? (It’s my favorite when Ina says that!)”

Author’s note: Foolproof, Back To Basics, and How Easy Is That are all titles of Barefoot Contessa cookbooks by Ina Garten.

Discover Your Magnet: Two Simple Words To Get What You Want

By Karin Stawarky

Be intentional. Sounds simple. But how consistently are we in that, really?

Some of us practice intentionality in terms of what we do – the actions we take. For instance, being intentional in everything from proactively planning your time during a week, to creating space for reflection, to ensuring you get 8 hours of sleep. 

I argue that we do not equally focus on the how – our mindset and presence in our doing. Why is this important? Most of the time, achieving what we want is in some way dependent upon others. We realize our goals and dreams with, supported by, and because of others we are in relationship with. These relationships can be long-lasting or brief.

Relationships reflect a series of interactions over time. In those interactions, we are seen, heard, and experienced by others in ways that may help us or hold us back from realizing what we hope for.

So let’s think about a typical interaction on a given work day. How many of us are truly intentional about that? We tend to operate on autopilot: we make assumptions and leap into the conversation, focusing more on what’s being said (and often, what we say) than anything else. Sometimes the interaction just flows, sometimes it is rocky, sometimes it is just unsettling – we can’t quite put our finger on it. And we wonder why the interaction unfolded as it did.

Here’s the catch: we’re often so focused on the content of a conversation that we completely miss the experience of a conversation – for ourselves and for others. It is the experience of the conversation more often than not which influences how people see us and hear us -- and thereby, what they do or don’t do. Do they effectively tune us in or tune us out? What we think is happening may not be how others perceive us. 

The secret to realizing what we want is very much tied to how we show up. Yet how often do we think about that? We are so heads down in the “doing” that we don’t remember or give attention to the “being”. What about how we show up is going to help us or hold us back from achieving what we want?

In a recent coaching conversation with Kate, a senior executive, we talked about her frustration in the lack of recognition for significant contributions she has made to the growth of the business. As we talked about these examples, she shared how these priority projects involved her recruiting others from different parts of the business to work through a problem and create a solution together. In replaying those interactions, Kate described how she stepped into the role as the facilitator to move the discussion forward. She acknowledged that she effectively “sat back” and left the space for others’ voices to carry the recommendation. Kate realized that in doing so, she faded into the background. She was not front and center putting her own voice into the mix and advocating explicitly for what she thought.  “I think I was waiting for someone to give me permission to lead it”, she reflected. As a result, the CEO and others did not identify her with the success of the initiatives.

Who did she want to be? The words came quickly:  highly respected leader, insightful strategist, an innovator who gets it done. Kate wanted to feel more powerful, more significant. She wanted to be seen as a material player in the organization – for the CEO to say: “we would not have been able to do this without Kate.”  She wanted to be in demand for her abilities, expertise, and knowledge. To make this real, we identified an important mindset shift about her role: from enabler to owner.

To put this into action, we came up with an experiment: Every meeting she walks into, she thinks: “I own this” – I own the process, I own the quality of the conversation, I own the outcome.

To help reinforce this way of thinking in her mind, each time she walks out of her office, she said to herself: “I own it”. The phrase “I own it” provides a clear intention for her mindset, her actions, and her presence in how she approaches interactions. And over time, Kate found the outcomes changing in ways she desired, with more recognition for her contributions. She was treated differently by her colleagues, who frequently reached out to her as a thought partner in solving thorny issues. Kate recently was asked by the CEO to present to the Board a major new strategic initiative she developed.

How do you open up this up for yourself? Here’s how to get started:

Break it down. Experiment with a single interaction. Pick one interaction you know you’ll have in the course of the day, an interaction with someone else that matters to you. You might choose a lower stakes interaction to get started (where the consequences are not too high, versus one that involves a big decision).

Pause. Create the mental space for yourself. It may be as you’re having your first cup of coffee, as you’re in the shower, or as you’re driving your car to work. Our minds can be an endless train of thoughts; you need to consciously put these on temporary hold.

Ask yourself 3 simple questions.

• WHAT do you want: What do you want to have happen? What do you want to be true?

• WHO do you want to be: Who you need to be to make that outcome possible? (Tip: Think about the three words you’d like someone to say about you when you leave the room – the impression you make with others.)

• ·HOW do you want to be: What do you want to feel during and after that interaction? How do you want others to experience you? (Tip: Think about an adjective you would want the other person to use to describe what it is like to interact with you.)

Write it down.  The response to these questions can be a few simple words. Capture these as a note in your phone or write it on a Post-It note and stick it somewhere where it will catch you eye. Refer back to this throughout the day to consciously remind yourself.

Reflect. After the conversation or meeting, or at the end of the day, take a few minutes to consider how close you were to realizing your what, who, and how. In particular, think about:

• What helped you achieve that? What are the enablers to help you realize your intentions?

• What got in your way? What were the blockers? What took you off course from realizing your intention?

• How can you make sure you have more of the enablers in place? And how can you get rid of (or reduce the strength of) the blockers?

Repeat. Stick with your WHAT-WHO-HOW for a week (ideally a month). What do you notice?

Be intentional. Simple words with the potential for big impact. Go ahead – try it on in your next interaction. See the difference that you can create in getting closer to what you want.