Rethinking Resolutions

By Karin Stawarky

We associate many things with the month of January: the taking down of holiday decorations, MLK day, football playoffs, clearance sales, winter weather delays … and resolutions. As we close out the month, I wonder how many resolutions formed so earnestly on January 1st have held….

I have a problem with resolutions. Why? For one, resolutions are black and white. Further, we often set the targets aggressively, tending to be driven by what we think we should do versus what is realistic or feasible. These targets tend to be either falsely precise (I will lose 15 pounds by May 1! I will run 3 times a week! I will only have wine on Saturday! I will not check my phone before bed! I will get 8 hours of sleep every night! I will host weekly dinner parties!) or abstract (I will be more patient with the friend who texts me incessantly about the minutia of life).

Framed in that way, resolutions become zero-sum games – we win /lose, we succeed / fail. There is no continuum, no grey zone. The question is stark: did we meet it or not? We have a tendency to only say we have ‘achieved’ if we hit whatever concrete goal we have defined. That is how we have been schooled to think about resolutions, and what our societal norms tend to promote. Who jumps up and down for partial victories (e.g. I ran once this week instead of 3 times)?

I offer that it is in our collective consciousness that resolutions don’t work. Think about the number of jokes we hear or tell each other on the breaking of resolutions. Deep down, there is a belief seeded that resolutions are meant to be written, not to be realized. Consider the number of people you see at the gym the first week of January….and how that number dwindles by mid-February.

If you are like many, you may have given resolutions the good college try for a year or two, and then after a spotty track record (perhaps some “wins”, some half-hearted attempts, some non-starters), you profess to friends, “Oh, I don’t do resolutions.” Because why would you want to set yourself up for something that you believe is going to ultimately make you feel bad about yourself? Who needs more opportunities for self-flagellation or blame? No deliberate set-up for discouragement, thank you.

And yet. You wish for something to be different, you dream about an alternative – whatever that may be. How does one get from here to there?

Change is hard. Really hard for us humans. While many of us cognitively are aware of that, we seem to fight it, believing that we can power through to new behaviors with a flip of a switch.

I think we need to give ourselves more grace. No, this does not mean giving ourselves an “out” for not taking steps to take better care of the sacred vessel of our bodies, to show up as better humans to one another, to create better lives for ourselves -- whatever that looks like to you.

It does mean there is the possibility to think differently about how we frame our intentions in a way that gives us permission to respond to dynamically changing contexts, needs, information, and insights.

It also means we celebrate our progress, taking heed of the old adage “life is about the journey, not the destination”. Yes, in the hyper-paced, results-oriented world we live in with instant tabulation of successes and failures, this can be challenging.  I propose that by celebrating small increments of progress or growth, we are reinforcing the shifts in mindset and behavior we are pursuing.

So, what is does the alternate approach look like? Consider the following:

1.    Instead of making a list of specific resolutions (what I will or won’t do), identify two simple things: a state of being (who do I want to be? How do I want others to experience me?) and an area of focus (what part of my life do I want to raise my awareness or consciousness around?).

Take this on for 12 months. The beauty of this approach is there is no right or wrong. Whatever that looks like to you is just perfect. As an example, my state of being for 2019 is to be radiant – radiate the love, joy, wisdom and hope I have within to illuminate the world around me and touch those I interact with. My area of focus is relationships – in all senses of the word: personal and professional, long-lasting and fleeting, new and old.  I chose this state of being and area of focus because I believe that this will help to expand and enrich my life in desired and unexpected ways, all contributing to my wellbeing and my ability to positively affect the world around me.

2.   Add color. What does it mean for me to be radiant? What do I need? In part, it means I need to feel good. What does it take for me to feel good? I think about aspects like the food I’m cooking and consuming, monitoring the amount of sleep I’m getting, listening closely to my body for what it is telling me, creating time for play or “chillaxing” (chilling out + relaxing). [A shout out to my dear friend Julie who introduced this term to me.] I realized that I’ve never allowed myself to chillax. That was not my family model of hyper-productivity. We are always on the go -- doing, working, producing, creating, taking care of others. While still honoring my crackerjack planner mode, I’m now giving myself permission for chillaxing time.

3.   Break it down. Think about it in increments. First, figure out the time interval that most resonates with you – this month, this week, tomorrow. Next, ask yourself what I am going to do to support my state of being? My area of focus? I suggest using the following format:

To support my desired state of being, I seek to _______________. To do that most effectively, I need ________________.

To advance within my area of focus, I seek to _______________. To do that most effectively, I need ________________.

You may find it helpful to write those statements down: in a journal, on a note on your smartphone, on a post-it note that you affix to your bathroom mirror or computer.

(To note: there has been much written about actions or specific techniques for changing one’s habits. I’m not going to focus on that here.)

4.   Pause and reflect. Yes, this is ESSENTIAL. At the end of month, the week, or the day, think about your intention for how you want to be and where you want to give energy and focus. How did it go? What did you learn? What did you notice? What did you experience? How did you experience others as they interacted with you?

5.   Celebrate. Reaffirm your intention and acknowledge your effort towards that – however modest the progress or small the step may seem. Say it aloud to yourself – even better if you say it to yourself while looking in the mirror. For the best coach of you is you.  Would you refrain from cheering on friend, a significant other, a sibling, a co-worker, a child, a favorite team as they try for something they want? So why not say “YAY ME!” (with regularity) in acknowledgement of where you are and where you have come from?

6.   Focus forward. For the next month, or next week, think about the adjustment(s) you will make based on those observations and insights. It helps because we learn as we go, and we may shift approaches or behaviors that are a better fit for what we want to accomplish or experience. The key is flexibility. I may run some experiments one month in the area of relationships and decide that some of them are worth continuing (because I’m feeling energized and I like the response I get from others) and others not because the energy and effort expended was greater than the outcome/benefit I experienced.

I believe in possibility, and in the ability of each one of us to grow into the kind of person we most want to be and life we most desire. Realizing that can be as simple as unleashing the curiosity to explore a different path to make that your reality.

Discover Your Magnet: Two Simple Words To Get What You Want

By Karin Stawarky

Be intentional. Sounds simple. But how consistently are we in that, really?

Some of us practice intentionality in terms of what we do – the actions we take. For instance, being intentional in everything from proactively planning your time during a week, to creating space for reflection, to ensuring you get 8 hours of sleep. 

I argue that we do not equally focus on the how – our mindset and presence in our doing. Why is this important? Most of the time, achieving what we want is in some way dependent upon others. We realize our goals and dreams with, supported by, and because of others we are in relationship with. These relationships can be long-lasting or brief.

Relationships reflect a series of interactions over time. In those interactions, we are seen, heard, and experienced by others in ways that may help us or hold us back from realizing what we hope for.

So let’s think about a typical interaction on a given work day. How many of us are truly intentional about that? We tend to operate on autopilot: we make assumptions and leap into the conversation, focusing more on what’s being said (and often, what we say) than anything else. Sometimes the interaction just flows, sometimes it is rocky, sometimes it is just unsettling – we can’t quite put our finger on it. And we wonder why the interaction unfolded as it did.

Here’s the catch: we’re often so focused on the content of a conversation that we completely miss the experience of a conversation – for ourselves and for others. It is the experience of the conversation more often than not which influences how people see us and hear us -- and thereby, what they do or don’t do. Do they effectively tune us in or tune us out? What we think is happening may not be how others perceive us. 

The secret to realizing what we want is very much tied to how we show up. Yet how often do we think about that? We are so heads down in the “doing” that we don’t remember or give attention to the “being”. What about how we show up is going to help us or hold us back from achieving what we want?

In a recent coaching conversation with Kate, a senior executive, we talked about her frustration in the lack of recognition for significant contributions she has made to the growth of the business. As we talked about these examples, she shared how these priority projects involved her recruiting others from different parts of the business to work through a problem and create a solution together. In replaying those interactions, Kate described how she stepped into the role as the facilitator to move the discussion forward. She acknowledged that she effectively “sat back” and left the space for others’ voices to carry the recommendation. Kate realized that in doing so, she faded into the background. She was not front and center putting her own voice into the mix and advocating explicitly for what she thought.  “I think I was waiting for someone to give me permission to lead it”, she reflected. As a result, the CEO and others did not identify her with the success of the initiatives.

Who did she want to be? The words came quickly:  highly respected leader, insightful strategist, an innovator who gets it done. Kate wanted to feel more powerful, more significant. She wanted to be seen as a material player in the organization – for the CEO to say: “we would not have been able to do this without Kate.”  She wanted to be in demand for her abilities, expertise, and knowledge. To make this real, we identified an important mindset shift about her role: from enabler to owner.

To put this into action, we came up with an experiment: Every meeting she walks into, she thinks: “I own this” – I own the process, I own the quality of the conversation, I own the outcome.

To help reinforce this way of thinking in her mind, each time she walks out of her office, she said to herself: “I own it”. The phrase “I own it” provides a clear intention for her mindset, her actions, and her presence in how she approaches interactions. And over time, Kate found the outcomes changing in ways she desired, with more recognition for her contributions. She was treated differently by her colleagues, who frequently reached out to her as a thought partner in solving thorny issues. Kate recently was asked by the CEO to present to the Board a major new strategic initiative she developed.

How do you open up this up for yourself? Here’s how to get started:

Break it down. Experiment with a single interaction. Pick one interaction you know you’ll have in the course of the day, an interaction with someone else that matters to you. You might choose a lower stakes interaction to get started (where the consequences are not too high, versus one that involves a big decision).

Pause. Create the mental space for yourself. It may be as you’re having your first cup of coffee, as you’re in the shower, or as you’re driving your car to work. Our minds can be an endless train of thoughts; you need to consciously put these on temporary hold.

Ask yourself 3 simple questions.

• WHAT do you want: What do you want to have happen? What do you want to be true?

• WHO do you want to be: Who you need to be to make that outcome possible? (Tip: Think about the three words you’d like someone to say about you when you leave the room – the impression you make with others.)

• ·HOW do you want to be: What do you want to feel during and after that interaction? How do you want others to experience you? (Tip: Think about an adjective you would want the other person to use to describe what it is like to interact with you.)

Write it down.  The response to these questions can be a few simple words. Capture these as a note in your phone or write it on a Post-It note and stick it somewhere where it will catch you eye. Refer back to this throughout the day to consciously remind yourself.

Reflect. After the conversation or meeting, or at the end of the day, take a few minutes to consider how close you were to realizing your what, who, and how. In particular, think about:

• What helped you achieve that? What are the enablers to help you realize your intentions?

• What got in your way? What were the blockers? What took you off course from realizing your intention?

• How can you make sure you have more of the enablers in place? And how can you get rid of (or reduce the strength of) the blockers?

Repeat. Stick with your WHAT-WHO-HOW for a week (ideally a month). What do you notice?

Be intentional. Simple words with the potential for big impact. Go ahead – try it on in your next interaction. See the difference that you can create in getting closer to what you want.

Take Charge of Your Mind: The Sneaky Power of Labels

We give meaning to things we experience by the words we use - out loud or in our own heads - in how we describe them. Those words can have a lasting impact on our choices and actions in ways that work against us.

By Karin Stawarky

Good. Bad. Positive. Negative. Best. Worst. Success. Failure.

Simple words. Each weighty in the effect on our thoughts and actions.  Yet it is we who give them power. And I’m ready to take that power back.

I have been reflecting on how quick people are to label events or experiences that happen to us. How often have you described something to another person as “that was a total bust” or “it really sucked” or “I completely screwed that up”?

An experience that happened to me a while ago that was just that. It was an unexpected event that stirred up a lot of emotion within me. At the time – and for some time after – I heaped labels on the event: Really, really bad…. Awful…. Traumatizing…. Unfair…. Worst. Thing. Ever.

It created a new ‘tape’ in my head about me – as a leader and as a person. It made me doubt things I thought to be true about myself and about my effectiveness and strength as an executive. It changed the trajectory of my path. Importantly, it made me feel bad about myself. It churned up emotions about what I imagined that I wasn’t. I lost sight of who and what I am.

Finally, the dark, heavy storm clouds lifted. I looked back at this same experience through a different set of lenses. I actually breathed a sigh of relief. The old labels were peeled off, and new ones stuck on: Blessing…. Dodged a bullet…. Best. Thing. Ever.  If that experience had not happened, I would not be where I am today, flourishing. I am now in my zone, a place where things are increasingly effortless, my creativity is buzzing, and time flows with ease.

But wait. How can the same experience have two diametrically opposed descriptions in my mind?

You might argue the old adage of ‘time heals old wounds’. Sure, to some extent. Time gives us perspective that in the moment – when physiological reactions in our brain activate the ‘flight or fight’ response – we lose sight of. But, consider the opportunity cost of the time required for that to take place. And think about how it influences your actions – what you do and don’t do – and your attitude in the meantime. And the energy you put out into the world. And how that energy can pull different kinds of people towards you, and push others away from you. For me, it was a good year and a half before the lens shift happened. What was lost in the interim? Holding those ‘negative’ labels cast a mental frame that how I saw things. It became a filter that influenced what I went after, my confidence, and my belief in what was possible. I wore mental shackles for a year and half. And I did that to myself.

With the passage of time, and reflecting back on this, I realized how frequently I categorized events in this way. You name it, I labelled it.

Then the proverbial brilliant flash of light occurred. As with some of the most powerful insights for me, it came from an unexpected source, at an unexpected time, in an unexpected setting. What if something is neither good or bad? It just is?

Experiences or events do not have meaning in and of themselves. We give meaning to them by the words we choose to describe them – either in our heads or out loud to others. (Taking this further, we have a general propensity to label fellow humans in a similar way: in simplistic terms, that is a “bad person” or a “good person”.)

Our brains are enormously powerful. The extent of that power is something I have more fully come to appreciate over the past few years. Its impact extends beyond dimensions that are obvious, to ones that are subtler yet very significant. Our mental frame influences what we think, what we believe is possible (or not) and what we do. Importantly, it does not just influence our immediate course of action, but it can groove our behaviors far into the future, holding us back instead of propelling us forward. Labels like these can take root in our minds. They encourage devious limiting beliefs for us – about what we are capable of (or not). It has the effect of shutting down possibility, instead of opening it up. Does “I can’t do that….” or “that’s not going to happen…” ever run through your thoughts?

This holds true for teams and organizations. Take notice of language used in a team debrief or in small talk with co-workers at the coffee machine. Think about how often this type of pattern emerges. How does it affect how the team shows up in a meeting? How employees approach their work? Language starts to influence attitude, which shifts behavior, which then effects the shape of a culture – the culture in a team, an office, or an organization.

While you can sense how limiting negative labels can be, the same is true of extreme positive ones. Why? It can prevent you from seeing potential insights or lessons. It may also ascribe agency to the event, instead of what you did (or did not do) in the situation. This can prevent you from replicating something that has positive benefit or value.

Operating below our level of consciousness, our brains are constantly on the lookout for patterns, scanning past experiences to find similar situations. Once a pattern is recognized – a label “found” – the associated emotions and thoughts are once again brought to the surface to respond to what is going on. We have been unconsciously training our brains for years. Think of it as deliberately building up a powerful super-highway system of situation-response. This labeling can at times work for us – but it also can work against us. The good news is that we have the ability to build new superhighways in our brain, no matter what age we are. Overcoming the deeply grooved “mindways” of thinking and acting means consciously laying down new tracks. And peeling off those sticky labels.

Shifting your experience and your response starts by changing the lens you use to view the circumstances. As you find yourself in a challenging situation, consider the following approach:

• Pause. Breathe deeply. Slowly exhale.

• Notice the adjectives/descriptors that come to mind about the situation (or the person). Write them down.

• Notice what gets triggered when you look at those words. What thoughts come to mind? What feelings do you experience?

• Now, look at the situation like a drama unfolding on stage that you are watching as an observer. In objective terms, what is happening? what is not?

• How would you describe the role are you playing?

• Instead of making a judgement about the situation, get curious. What is causing that action? What possibilities emerge? What insights present themselves? What options do you see?

Over time, you will find you have the ability to recognize how you are labelling a situation, and be able to“frame shift” in the moment as a situation is unfolding.

Resist the urge to label a situation. Remember, a situation just is. Leave the labels for mailing envelopes and file folders.