Leonard Cohen, a Lyft Driver, and me

By Karin Stawarky

When you tune into the quiet voice deep within or notice a gentle but clear impulse or ‘pull’ towards something, remarkable things can happen. I have opened myself and surrendered to those intuitive callings, as I believe there is a greater wisdom giving ‘lift’ to them.

Last week on the West Coast, I ordered a Lyft back to my hotel. I requested a “quiet ride” in the app because I was tired – it had been a 3:30 am wakeup for a flight, on the heels of a remembrance service the day before for someone deeply beloved to me. That experience of honoring his life had left me emotionally drained and I was not up for engaging in conversation with a potentially chatty driver.

The car pulled up, and as I got in, the driver – I’ll call him Allen – said graciously, “hello, Miss Karin.” Now, very few people I encounter in my travels in life engage in that polite, genuinely respectful way. I didn’t expect it from a young man whom I thought to be in his twenties.

But there was something different I sensed about his presence. A brightness.

He asked where I was coming from, and I replied that I had just had a meeting with someone whose work I admired. And through that meeting, an unexpected gift – an emergent friendship.

I thought that would be that in terms of our interaction – I could turn my head towards the window, or close my eyes, and communicate that silence was desired.

Then deep within me, the soft voice urged – talk to him.

I sighed. Really? Okay, I’ll talk to him.

So, I asked Allen what he liked about being a Lyft driver.

And with that question unlocked one of the most amazing exchanges I’ve had in a long time.

Allen described – in a very upbeat way – how he works 3 jobs. He is very focused on goals that he has for himself, and he works hard to achieve them.

As a former college athlete whose injury prevented him from joining the pros, he is a personal trainer for adults… but he also elects to go back to his high school as a volunteer to coach and mentor kids on the team.  As he talked about the high school team, it was clear that he was not only training bodies, he was training minds – inspiring these teenagers to not only finish school and go to college but also see the possibility and opportunity they could make for themselves as humans.

One of his personal training clients then recruited him to a job in case management – he works with clients who are experiencing housing insecurity and helps place them in a more stable living situation. (This is an urban area that is experiencing a particularly acute issue with homelessness and a shortage of viable housing options.)

His description of the clients he serves in case management was striking. “When I get on the phone with them, sometimes they’ll get mad and start yelling at me. But I know it’s not me that they are mad at. They are angry with something that’s happening in their life or something that happened before the call. I just stay calm, and I tell them: I’m sorry that you’re mad. But I’m not going anywhere. I’m here to help you, so we can help get you into a better situation.” And he said that most of the time, that seems to calm the client down so that they can actually talk. He and I then discussed how the anger does not define that client as a person. It is a part of them that is activated by something that happened to them or is happening to them. This angry part is trying to protect them in some way.

If you are on the receiving end of the anger, we talked about how you can ask your own mind: ‘can I look through the anger to imagine what’s behind the anger?’ What we can see from that place is that behind the anger is always a fear. Fear that is grounded in belief and story about what a part of them predicts is going to happen, often based on something that did happen at a point in time – something that threatened an aspect of their safety, their belonging or acceptance, their ability to be respected and valued.

“All three jobs are about customer service,” he said. “How you treat people influences how successful you are.”

The way that Allen engaged with the teenagers, the housing clients, and me as Lyft customer illuminated for me how he is living and leading with an open heart. He is able to engage with the other person from a place of calm, connection, compassion, and courage.

He didn’t learn any of this in school. He didn’t learn it in any kind of training. No one directly taught him this or told him to do this or be this way. (I asked him.) His poise, perspective, and wisdom are remarkable. Allen expresses an authenticity that comes from his heart – he is guided by his own inner ‘yardstick’ for success instead of looking outside himself to what I call ‘the invisible they’ for validation.

Allen is a human who is highly observant, deeply reflective, clear about his values, and seeks to live in integrity with them. He also truly believes he can make a difference. That he matters in and to this world.

As we were getting closer to the hotel, he reflected: “I enjoy all three jobs. But I think there is a bigger stage for me… I just don’t know what that is.”

It was clear to me what a powerful force for good Allen is, bringing light to every interaction he has in a given day, including me as a random passenger.

Suddenly a song flashed into my mind (that gentle impulse again). I knew I had to speak it. “Allen, have you heard of Leonard Cohen’s song Anthem?”

Allen didn’t know of the song or Leonard Cohen.

“There’s a line in that song where Leonard sings ‘ring the bells that still can ring.’ Ring that bell, Allen,” I urged. “All we tend to hear about in the world is the hate, the violence, the division. But there is so much light. There is so much goodness. If we look for it, we find it. There are examples of human spirit in everyday life, of one person genuinely connecting with another person and trying to help them. Not because there is anything in it for them as a helper. Because it’s simply the right thing to do. That drive comes from the wisdom of the heart.”

Allen immediately looked up the song and hit play just as we stopped at a red light. As Leonard spoke the first few words, Allen said softly, “Oh wow. I love his voice.”

Leonard’s unique vocals filled the car like we were in a grand cathedral, in reverence. Allen and I were motionless and almost breathless.

After Leonard uttered lines, “Ring the bells that still can ring. Forget your perfect offering. There is a crack, a crack in everything – that’s how the light gets in”, Allen exclaimed, “I’ve got chills all over my body. There is no perfect offering! Yes! Yes! There’s a crack in everything! That’s how the light gets in!”

As we pulled up to the hotel, I said, “we’re all perfectly imperfect as humans, Allen. And we all can be such bright lights in the world, just as we are. Ring the bell that you can ring – keep doing what you are doing. And I know without question a bigger stage for you will present itself for you to shine that light even brighter.”

Allen stopped the car and turned to me, saying, “You wait right there.”

He ran around the car and opened the door for me, a lovely and gentlemanly act. As I got out of the car, I looked up at him (I’m tall, and he’s quite a bit taller than me) and again the impulse came from deep within. “Allen, this is a very odd thing for me to ask a total stranger, but would it be OK if I gave you a hug?”

“Absolutely!” he beamed and folded me into a big bear hug.

He then stood back and looking at me said, “I appreciate you, Miss Karin.”

What did I do? I just asked a question with genuine interest and listened deeply, witnessing him. That is the simple gift I gave to him – seeing him for who he is and how he is in the world, hearing him, honoring him.

The whole exchange was maybe 10, 15 minutes. And the content and energy of the conversation still stay with me.

And Allen gave me a gift, one that I don’t know he does not appreciate the depth of.

He reminded me to ring the bell that still can ring.

The bell that amplifies goodness and love and joy and hope in this world.

Bells can appear when you least expect them.

The bell doesn’t have to be large to matter.  It can be a small bell, but its sound can travel from person to person to person in ways one can’t anticipate or will never know.

Isn’t every interaction we have with another human an opportunity to ring a bell?

What would that look like? How would we choose to show up differently, even in difficult, charged conversations like Allen does with his housing clients?

He reinforced for me yet again that our real gift to the world and to each other is that simple yet that powerful: how we are being, not in what we are doing.

Possibly Your Most Important Week One As A Leader

Ensuring Calm Cohesion triumphs instead of Fear-based Fragmentation

By Karin Stawarky

What’s the “week one” that I am referring to? When all those across the world have returned to their physical places of work from this extended period of working from home or quarantining.

Why is it your most important week? Because at a time likely unparalleled in your career, the stakes now have never been higher because of collective threats to one of our most fundamental needs as humans: our need for safety – physical safety, financial safety, emotional safety.  

And less obviously, this period has magnified another essential human need – for belonging. As work consumes the majority of the waking hours, it is for many a large component of self-identity. Work also provides us with membership in a community, and these connections feed us in different ways. When we are prevented from going to the familiar physical structures of the workplace and engaging in routines, rituals, and interactions that explicitly reinforce belonging in the context of work, we can feel un-moored.

As we are sequestered to home over an extended period, our needs of safety and belonging can be satisfied on one level. For many we have benefited from being cushioned in our most familiar and intimate space, our nest. We may have family members or people we love together with us. We connect virtually with friends and family through video or voice. The experience is like being wrapped in a cocoon which muffles the emotions of anxiety, frustration, despair, overwhelm, and fear.

Proactively shape the climate

The atmosphere shifts when we come back to the office. And that atmosphere at work does not just happen; it is generated when people come together and interact.  The most powerful influence over the nature of that atmosphere is you as a leader. As a leader in an organization, you shape what the qualities of the atmosphere are through your presence, your words, and your actions. The nature of the atmosphere you create will make it easier or harder for the organization to rebound from the current crisis, a world turned upside down. It can be a powerful force that boosts or holds back an organization.

At the most basic level, there are two different kinds of atmospheres that can be created: Calm Cohesion or Fear-based Fragmentation.

When an atmosphere of Calm Cohesion prevails, people share the mindset that we are truly in this together. We look at the world through the lenses of WE and US.  We are aware of and speak about the reality we face. While being clear-eyed about the implications, we experience calm because of the confidence in our individual and collective ability to see through to the other side of this. When we act as a collective, we multiple our energy and effort, generating significant force and momentum.  We focus on what we can control and what we can influence. We don’t let concerns over which we have no agency consume our thought and action. What we see is the organization acting as one whole, one unit, where inter-connections are reinforced. This activates the organization’s ability to tap into the full extent of the energy, experience, and expertise that is present and available, producing innovative ideas, insightful learning and knowledge, considered decisions, and aligned action.

When an atmosphere of Fear-based Fragmentation dominates, the prevailing mindset is one characterized by the belief that I am alone. In this case, the lens is focused on ME. One feels disconnected from others and without support. In this state, our minds tend to anchor on what is out of our ability to control and we live in the world of worst-case scenarios. We see all that is not present, instead of all that is. The risk of being in a state of overwhelm is high. A feeling of fear escalates as a downward spiraling train of thoughts of “and then… and then…” takes hold. The consequence? An organization fragments into individual parts. We experience separation from others instead of connection. Forward movement stalls. In a state of paralysis, the best ideas are blocked from coming to the surface, decisions (if made) are made reactively and isolation, learning is neglected, and knowledge remains unexploited.

What can you do as a leader to foster Calm Cohesion instead of Fear-based Fragmentation in your organization?

Put on your oxygen mask first

Mirror neurons in our brains sense not only the actions but also the emotions and intentions of other humans we encounter. A high degree of interpersonal sensitivity exists below the surface of our awareness. We often think we can “fake it” to others, presenting an external face (e.g. of calm, of confidence) at odds with the emotions wreaking havoc within. At a subconscious level, other people can quickly and effectively read your inner state more accurately than you think. It affects how they resonate with you and influences whether they decide to engage with you or follow your lead.

Managing your inner self is then job #1. How do you not let anxiety get the best of you? Consider what you need to maintain your personal center of calm; this inner calm is a state of being that is present within all of us and available to us when we need it. You may already have personal practices that help to re-ground and re-center you. Such practices may include meditating, being out in nature (walking under trees or gardening), creating or building something, organizing, or spending quality time with those near and dear to you. If you have not identified what those are for you, this is a great time to start experimenting. Clues that will help you discern if that the practice serves you is noticing if your breath slows and quiets, or sensing if your body relaxes, with an absence of sensations of tightness, constriction, or rigidity.

Create an atmosphere of safety

A key differentiator between Calm Cohesion and Fear-based Fragmentation lies in the effectiveness of our collective adaptive response to the crisis we find ourselves in. Neuroscience research highlighted by Dr. Bessel van der Kolk outlines two factors which influence the effectiveness of this response to threat: (1) the ability we have to take an active role and demonstrate agency (become an agent of our own rescue, so to speak) and (2) the arrival at a place of safety within which we are able to tap our imagination and inner creativity to generate alternative solutions to address the situation.

Some things you can do to create a space which engenders feelings of safety include:

• Make yourself accessible to others. Let people know when and how they can talk with you.

• Listen deeply, listening to understand and not to respond. Play back what has been expressed to you (“what I heard you say is….”) to affirm you heard them.

• Establish a regular communication tempo. In your communications, follow a consistent pattern of sharing where you are at now, where you are going, what you know and what you don’t know, and when you will get back to them with more information and updates.

• Highlight accomplishments of what has been achieved and unexpected discoveries.

Engage others in co-creating solutions

By involving your organization or team in the “now what” strategizing and operationalizing, you provide them with a degree of agency in shaping the future as well as the now. You benefit from the diversity of perspectives, experiences, and expertise to get a better-informed grasp on the situation and innovative approaches to address them.

• With your team, create a list of issues, challenges, or problems.  

• Go through one by one and screen them by their nature:

  • What ones do we have control over and can directly affect the what and the how?

  • What ones do we have ability to influence?

  • What ones do we have concerns about but that we have no ability to influence (it is out of our hands completely)?

• Focus on the subset that you have control or influence over and prioritize these in terms of urgency and importance. Brainstorms options for how to best tackle the top priorities.

Reaffirm community

Stories inspire us and connect us to one another. Identify and share stories from your organization’s history that exemplify attributes which will help you now to successfully weather this current situation.

Look for and reinforce examples of the kind of organizational community you most aspire to be. Seeds of who you are at your collective best are present all around you. Shine a spotlight on those to the organization as a whole.

Mind your mind

As you navigate the days ahead, you may well feel the tendrils of anxiety, frustration, or overwhelm within. This is entirely normal. Interrupt those thoughts and feelings in your mind by seeing these as an opportunity for you to reground yourself. Simple affirmations, said aloud daily, are powerful tools for engaging your mind as a partner instead of an adversary. An affirmation that I often offer to my executive coaching clients is:

“I am doing the best I can in this moment with all the knowledge, experience, and tools that I have.”

This is indeed an extraordinary time in our history. And the time can be extra-ordinary for you and your organization. See and seize the possibility that lies within your grasp.

8 Common Traps about Culture (and How to Avoid Them)

By Karin Stawarky

“Culture eats strategy for breakfast.” This familiar Peter Drucker quote has been heard on so many conference stages, in team meetings, and hallway huddles. Yet we still can’t seem to learn this lesson. I am fascinated by insights like these -- about organizations, about teams, about leadership – that we have ‘discovered’ over the decades yet fail to systemically respond to. We are surprised when we experience the repercussions of old ways of doing again and again.

In my career, I have worked with organizations across the spectrum – those with a handful of employees to those with thousands of employees distributed around the globe, from early stage companies to hundred+ year old entities. I witnessed the authenticity of attention and effort that is paid to culture – and the weight it is given by the executive leadership as a strategic lever – vary just as widely.

Beware of the Traps

There are some common traps about culture that I observed in organizations regardless of their size or maturity. Each trap is linked to quotes inspired by things heard in organizations:

•       Product is king: “We’ll figure out culture once we have a viable product.”; “Culture is the soft, fluffy stuff. Proving our product works is more important.”

•       Rose colored glasses: “We are all smart, nice people … I don’t see an issue in us figuring it out and getting along.”

•       Someone else’s job: “Our HR person will figure out the culture piece.”; “Culture is just something the HR team is responsible for.”

•       Checking the box: “We did an engagement survey – so our employees feel like they can influence the culture.”

•       Hopeful osmosis: “A lot of us are from Company X. We like that culture; I think it works for us.”

•       Values as the ‘end all be all’: “We’ve defined our values. Isn’t that sufficient?”

•       The perks mirage: “We have all the perks in the office for employees – free food, drinks, games, sleeping pods, cool music… what more do you need?” or “We have epic company events. That’s what defines our culture.”

And perhaps the most insidious one:

•       Incubating the bad seed: “Even though Person X is toxic to our culture, they are such a good [engineer, salesperson, analyst, etc.] we won’t address it or fire them – after all, it’s only one person.” or “Person Y is the best in their field but has a reputation of burning through teams… we need to hire Person Y because the Board believes they are necessary to raise the next round with investors.”

All of the traps are problematic.  While each is distinct, I argue that they all reflect flavors of the underlying assumption of “we’re different” and its twin: “it [everything bad that I’ve seen or heard happen elsewhere] won’t happen here”. But organizations are more alike than they are different. Organizations are human systems, just like families and communities (be they religious, academic, civic, social, etc.). From relationships and roles to rules and rewards, as humans we orient and act in patterned ways.

Mindset Mantras for Organizations that Thrive

What does it take to avoid getting caught in those traps? In part, holding following mindsets:

Culture is inseparable from results.

My mother often would tell me: “you get out what you put in.” Business outcomes are affected by the culture you perpetuate. How conducive is the culture to attracting and retaining the talent you need? Does the culture inspire people to give their full creativity and effort of their own volition, are they doing the minimum required, or even worse, are they operating from a basis of fear? The sustainability of performance is intrinsically linked to the health and vitality of organizational culture. 

How we describe our culture needs be meaningful and actionable.

Culture needs to be specific to the organization, sprouting from and aligned with the organization’s unique purpose and identity.  And words matter. Language must be clear and simple in describing the key cultural attributes; to be actionable, concrete supporting behaviors everyone can identify with need to be conveyed in order to create a practical daily compass.

We all own it.

We each contribute to the organizational culture of which we are a part; it is a collective consciousness that we adopt and adapt with --- or rebel against. Yes, the CEO and executive team have the greatest influence, but everyone’s fingerprints shape the culture.

We need to be in continuous integrity with what we say is important.

Unfortunately, the old adage of: Do as I say, not as I do is one that I have seen alive and well in organizations. Plaques of values hang in the meeting rooms, while decisions are made and actions persist that run completely contrary to them. This is true at all levels of the organization. From headquarters to the front line, there must be congruence between what we define as our compass, and our words, our actions, and our nonverbal behaviors.

Our work on culture is never “done”.

Among the many lessons I have learned ‘from the field’ – as an executive, a trusted advisor, and an executive coach are 10 universal truths I hold about culture. Two of these truths for me are: 

I think about culture like a garden, which needs to be continually tended and tilled. How do you approach the initial design so that it complements and respects the terrain, the climate, and your own needs and preferences? How do the parts help to nurture each other?

Then, as what you planted sprouts: What elements are thriving? What are not? What needs more of what kind of support or resources? What needs to be weeded out? How do you protect it from unwanted pests (or, destructive influences) and erosion?

Keeping the Beat

Strengthening and evolving culture needs to be intentionally woven into the rhythm of the company, just like regular business or operating plan cycles.  I think of this Culture Cultivation Rhythm™ has having the following “notes” or elements:

FRAME is where you draft the primary design principles for the culture you want to intentionally develop; this is typically done by the leadership team. You ENGAGE the organization in refining those and aligning to them. The leadership team will then TRANSLATE those principles into key systems, processes, practices, etc. – effectively creating the ‘wiring diagram’. The leadership team must collectively COMMIT to living those principles themselves and hold each other accountable to them. Employees throughout the organization INTEGRATE those principles and build our or refine the organizational elements identified in Translate. The leadership team and others MONITOR the principles in reality, engaging the organization in feedback mechanisms and dialogue. Based on these insights, a point of view is defined on how the principles or the systems need to ADAPT. That triggers a new flow through the cycle.

So, what three things can you start with as you head out into that garden?

·       Ensure the foundation is solid and shared. The core culture design principles (including what is important to you and how you show up to one another) are your foundation – the proverbial cornerstone on which a company is built and expanded upon. Don’t rely on your own opinion of how strong it is – engage different audiences to test people’s actual experience of it.

·       Define the Culture Cultivation Rhythm™ – and stick to it. The rhythm is as much about what happens and when is it is who is involved. In the early stages of a company (or a team), you may need to go through this cycle more often than you think.

·       Hold up a mirror to yourself – regularly. Everyone has an impact on a system. How are YOU living in integrity with the desired culture?

We seem surprised when the likes of a giant like Boeing and GE fall from grace. Any culture, if not regularly tended in a disciplined way, is susceptible to becoming overgrown and overrun with ‘invasive plants’, choking out the desired growth. We all need to be gardeners for the environment in which we all thrive.